22nd April 2014

During my depression I struggle with the regular change of mood I have. Perhaps that's a bit unappreciative given that I've had depressions that have been one bad day after another with not so much as a moment of relief. But we all want better and looking how far we've come is always trumped by the disappointmet of not having got to where we want to be.

This depression has been kicking around for three months now. I mentioned in my last post that it's mild. On my good days I'm easily distracted and so don't ruminate on all the negative stuff that comes to the surface in my depressions. Today's not too good. I'd promised myself I'd go to the gym. I haven't. My knee's been playing  up but I know that I'm using that as an excuse; I could do gentle exercise. I rang a friend just now and was on for 40 mins. Being on the phone tires me out and the fact that it's morning makes it all the worse. My depressions are always at their worst in the morning. I'm going for the bus soon though. I help in a charity shop as a volunteer and that can change a bad day into a manageable one. Certainly if I don't go out my mood will slip and my negative thoughts will breed more. I know that depressions are episodic and so this shall pass but depression is good at telling me lies and so convincingly that I end up believing them. For those who have never experienced depression it's hard if not impossible to imagine the power that depression has. I have been told on a number of ocassions to make myself think positively. It would be like saying to someone in a wheelchair to just get up and walk. That is how impossible it is. I used to feel upset when people said such things. Over the years I've realised that they really do believe their advice is sound. In a way you can't blame people for all the assumptions they make about mental illness. It's an illness that can't be seen and the pain cannot be imagined.

19 April 2014

Given it's such a lovely sunny day I will mention the effect of weather on my depression. At the moment I'm going through a mild episode of my chronic (12 years to date) depression. Because this depression is mild the sunny weather does help my mood. I see people more. I pop outside and see my neighbour. I go to the shop that is two minutes walk away. I talk to people I know. In our long dreary winters I don't go out unless necessary. So although I go to see a friend, or go for a night out or I go to help in the charity shop, I don't have all the small social interactions that make up my days in the better weather. Add to that the light (I love the light) and spring and sunshine make my depression that bit easier to bear.

That's my experience in a mild depression. Moderate and severe depression are a different matter altogether. The external things in life make no difference then; everything is too dark.

First attempt not saved. Second attempt tomorrow.