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Life consumed by guilt anger and depression. I want to released from my own net of torture however it seems inevitable that I am destined for a life of sadness.

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07/17/12

Permalink 03:44:26 pm, by dee Email , 69 words, 2748 views   English (US) latin1
Categories: dee

sleepless mess

I either sleep too much or dont sleep at all but i seem to always sleep when i shouldn't or i am awake when I really should be asleep. Its now 23:41... and i really should be asleep. Instead i have been crying too much, have a headache and haven't eaten in hours... combination for disaster. wish i had someone here with me to help me...

anyone able to help?

Permalink 02:33:46 pm, by dee Email , 313 words, 1115 views   English (US) latin1
Categories: dee

Downward spiral

This is my first time writing a blog but I think this may help with my life and situation...

I am a 24 year old lady from South Africa... I have been living with depression for about 7 years now. I was considered intelligent in school but as usual I got to university, partied and went crazy and naturally I have been failing ever since. i have disappointed everyone and I am so angry at myself. To make matters worse I tend to have casual meaningless sex once my boyfriend of two years left me and I engage in smoking weed and drinking often to blanket my pain.

I am consumed by guilt and anger and I wish I could undo the past... I am on anti depressants however I think they no longer help. I constantly cry and have even overdosed on my anxiety pills 2 years ago. Not to kill myself but rather i was so engulfed in pain that i could not handle it anymore.

I want to be happy. I live alone and have a wonderful supportive family who live 500km away from me. I constantly think about them everytime i even consider killing myself. My cousin whom I considered a Brother killed himself last year and my close friend killed himself a month ago. I am just so tired of the depression. I am tired of the guilt, I am tired of the crying. I am terrified of failing and yet I feel like a failure at life.

I dont know who to talk to. And I am very scared and alone. People think I am a happy bubbly person but really I hide my pain behind a mask.   I know people go through the motions and really people probably think I am a rich spoilt girl that has nothing to be depressed about... but the reality is... I am.

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