October 27th, 2011
Well it's been a long time, but a lot has happened! I changed to citalopram, I've finished my degree, got a new job which I love and started to come off the meds all together.
I have started a new blog to chart my progress in coming off and you can read the first post here:
http://delilah42.wordpress.com/
It's not easy coming off especially negotiating with the doctor over the best way to come off. But I feel so much better these days, I have more responsibility in my new job, but I'm away from the bullys and work with "normal" people!
D
x
June 29th, 2010
April 25th, 2010
April 19th, 2010
I finally had my first CBT session today and it was good but really hard. I found it really uncomfortable talking about my perceptions about myself. It seems that my anxiety and worry is about my performance and when I perform well and I get confirmation from others, I feel good about myself. When I think I've done badly I worry about others saying so and I feel physically bad and my stomach is like butterflies. She asked me why and I said that I felt I was less of a person and that if I was told I did well I felt like a "proper person". It seems that I try for perfectionism to make sure that I do not go through this process. I told her I had always been in competition to be the best and that maybe it was to get attention from my parents, because I had always tried to perform better than my twin sister, Elizabeth. She is now referring me for the more intense 12 week CBT, so more waiting.
You know, writing this has reminded me about something Elizabeth told me about when she was at University. She said she went to see the counsellor once and it turned out that she was seeking praise for doing well, but was not getting any. She said that since then she has always set herself little goals so that when she achieved them she felt good that she had achieved something and could praise herself. Things like setting herself the task to tidy her room and feeling pleased with herself when she had. I think that for a long while now, when I plan to do something I have struggled to do it because of my depression and this has fed into the negative cycle above, resulting in me not feeling as good as "everyone else"
I think I will set myself a small task each day, starting with small easy things and then feeling good and rewarding myself when I do them. Today I will do a little bit towards the presentation I need to write. I'm pleased that I did some yesterday and I will do some today!
I think the reason I have been feeling "just ok" and unexplainably down and negative this weekend is because I have not achieved the things I wanted.
Future goals to work on:
Start eating more healthily
Wind down for an hour before bed so that I sleep well
Plan when to study (must be careful with this one to save myself from "failure")
Reward myself for each small goal achieved
Now to get on with that presentation ...
April 14th, 2010
April 6th, 2010
April 3rd, 2010
On Monday this week I saw my Doctor to get another prescription. I've been on 40 mg paroxetine since November and was fed up of being on a high dose, so asked if I could drop it and she reluctantly agreed to drop the dose to 30 mg. So far I'm pleased to say I've not had the horrible side effects that people talk about on the internet. No brain zaps, no headaches, no nausea etc. However, I've been visiting my family this week without my husband and I've been feeling extremly spaced out. I feel sad and miss being able to tell my husband how I feel. My parents don't understand what I'm going through and don't understand why I'm on anti-depressants when they cause so many side effects and cause withdrawal when coming off them. For this reason I've not really told them much about how I'm feeling. I feel tired and feel like crying, I'm not sure if I just feel lonely or whether I should go back up to 40 mg. I think that because I'm not getting withdrawal that I should persevere. I haven't felt like this for months.
I don't want to waffle on about how I feel, but I hope it passes soon.
:(
D