I finally had my first CBT session today and it was good but really hard. I found it really uncomfortable talking about my perceptions about myself. It seems that my anxiety and worry is about my performance and when I perform well and I get confirmation from others, I feel good about myself. When I think I've done badly I worry about others saying so and I feel physically bad and my stomach is like butterflies. She asked me why and I said that I felt I was less of a person and that if I was told I did well I felt like a "proper person". It seems that I try for perfectionism to make sure that I do not go through this process. I told her I had always been in competition to be the best and that maybe it was to get attention from my parents, because I had always tried to perform better than my twin sister, Elizabeth. She is now referring me for the more intense 12 week CBT, so more waiting.

You know, writing this has reminded me about something Elizabeth told me about when she was at University. She said she went to see the counsellor once and it turned out that she was seeking praise for doing well, but was not getting any. She said that since then she has always set herself little goals so that when she achieved them she felt good that she had achieved something and could praise herself. Things like setting herself the task to tidy her room and feeling pleased with herself when she had. I think that for a long while now, when I plan to do something I have struggled to do it because of my depression and this has fed into the negative cycle above, resulting in me not feeling as good as "everyone else"

I think I will set myself a small task each day, starting with small easy things and then feeling good and rewarding myself when I do them. Today I will do a little bit towards the presentation I need to write. I'm pleased that I did some yesterday and I will do some today!

I think the reason I have been feeling "just ok" and unexplainably down and negative this weekend is because I have not achieved the things I wanted.

Future goals to work on:

Start eating more healthily

Wind down for an hour before bed so that I sleep well

Plan when to study (must be careful with this one to save myself from "failure")

Reward myself for each small goal achieved

Now to get on with that presentation ...