Well, here we are again. I started with a new therapist and new medicine, and was starting to get out and do things. I have been going to my youngest son's baseball games, helping the coaches by getting the kids ready to bat and making sure they have a helmet, their shoes are tied, and that they know how the pitcher is pitching. I did that for the past 3yrs with "R" (fiance' - also youngest son's dad). We coached for 1st year (T-Ball) and "R" has been assistant head coach with another boys dad since then. I was always getting the boys ready & giving them tips....so I was referred to as the "Batting Coach". Then last year I wasn't feeling well and was pretty deep in my depression. I went to a few games, but I guess I kinda drifted off and started thinking it was better for me to stay home. I missed it so very much! And then this year....the weather (which affects my body greatly at times) kept me from going to most of the practices, but I started going again when the games started. Everyone there was happy to see me, and they all said that the boys were hitting better too. I started looking forward to going and seeing the boys & all the parents. We all have had our kids at the same school, and on the same baseball team....so we're kinda close. I felt needed, appreciated, like I was missed, and I was having fun. But then reality stepped in on me yesterday. See...."R" wasn't keeping me in the loop about certain "Home" things. He felt I couldn't handle it....and since I was finally shaking off the darkness, being more social, leaving the house & actually having fun again...he was afraid he'd lose me again. But this time, I had to be present at court. We had to prove my disability, and prove that "R" was my "Caregiver" and the "Sole Supporter" for our finances. After 3 hours of all this crap in front of a judge, we were told that we had to have $10,000 by 5pm today to keep our house out of foreclosure. I knew right then & there we were screwed. I'm estranged from my side of the family, and have been since my father's death in 1997. I have 1 sister & 1 brother.....both adopted, but never treated as such while I was growing up. But after Dad died....out came the Demons!!! :O Then I got real sick, had surgery, had my hip replaced to to a bone degeneration, and much more. My Mom was there for me, until my sister took charge. I'm unable to drive, which meant I couldn't take my Mom out anymore, or even just go to her house. NOW.... on my sister's days off, she's the one taking my Mom out. I tell ya, it's a Damn Lonely Feeling to know your own sister is so jealous, that at first chance she jumped in & diverted my Mother's attention away from me. My Mom is quite naive, and doesn't see things that way.....but it IS "That" way. (Some day I'll tell you the WHOLE Thing! You Will NOT believe it when you read it. You'll think you're reading a novel!) So..........I know I have no one to help us on my side of the family. I know "R's" family had already been helping us....so it was a nasty taste of FEAR I had to swallow yesterday. I'm beginning to wish I had never left my room, cleared away the clouds, and started to live again. I just want to go hide and tell myself that NONE of this is real. I have started being quiet, crying for no reason, and snapping at everyone. "R" keeps telling me not to go away again, and "B" doesn't understand (but he is only 9yrs old), "N" (my 17yr old) still keeps fighting with everyone, and demands to be RIGHT all the time! (which does NOT help matters) But hey....he's a Big Spoonful of Reality for me to swallow.........and it's choking me!!!! Last night about 2am, the reality of court hit me....We are LOSING our house! OMG, what are we going to do???? Good Ole' President Obama and his new "Foreclosure Program" doesn't help until you are already IN foreclosure....and even then you must QUALIFY! So only those IN foreclosure, need apply. And once you finish your application, they have 90 days to either accept or deny you. Ummmmm, EXCUSE ME.....by then the Bank has already taken possession and may have already sent you a "Notice to Evict" the property....which they must give you a MINIMUM of 30 days notice. 30 DAYS??????? That's ALL????? Sorry...........I have to stop. I cannot see through the tears. BYE!

I have been suffering from a cracked tooth, and it's been hard to eat, drink or even sleep. They won't remove it until May 4th, due to it getting infected. OK, so I knew I didn't have the money to see a dentist, and I waited till the last minute. It's sometimes the sacrifice Mom's have to make, right? But it's getting taken care of, and that's that. Or so I thought! (UGH!!!) I have mentioned that I am disabled & have other medical problems....and due to that, AND the depression I take many medicines and several vitamins & supplements. Wellllllllllllllll, tonight, I finally had it thrown in my face and just cannot take it anymore. It's always "You don't know what you're saying" or "You didn't say that" and then the dreaded slap...."You're so messed up you don't know what you are saying, or said!" Listen....I KNOW I am not so messed up on my meds to NEVER know what I'm saying, or have said. It's been an excuse for "R" in front of the kids for a LONG time now, and it has finally cut through my heart. I cannot ALWAYS be wrong, or said something different. And if I argue back.....look out. "R" knows EXACTLY what I said, and how I said it. As if I don't have enough problems, Eh? I know I am depressed, and my nerves are on the verge of shattering. BUT.....it's from EVERYONE in this house. My 9yr old said to "R" (his dad), after I questioned why my son wouldn't wear a certain item, "Mom's just pissed-off at the world today, I don't know what's up with her. Would other 9yr olds say that????? Or how about giving the person who gave birth to him a little respect???? Not my son. His father has been talking down about me to him, and says that the boy needs to know so he can understand. And after REALLY thinking about it, I know now some of the things my son has said is EXACTLY the same thing "R" has said to me. (Of course in "R's" eyes it wasn't putting me down, or demeaning me.) But now that I have started talking to a therapist and seeing a psych....I'm noticing it now, and realizing it wasn't just me feeling so bad about myself, and thinking I was wrong in how those things were said. I always thought I was taking it harsher and making it seem like it was a bad thing. And the arguments between "R" and my 17yr old............OMG! It's no wonder my nerves are shattered. He never, I mean NEVER lets up on that boy. He doesn't just talk to him.....he talks AT him! And we were wondering WHY this child was acting like whatever we said went in one ear & out the other. Maybe because when I wasn't around to see it, that boy was getting chastised, put down, demeaned & made to feel like sh*t! I think I now know why he doesn't feel like he belongs here. Why????? And why me???? What did I do so bad in my life to have all this fall on me.....like a MOUNTAIN of bricks!! The house is going into foreclosure very soon, and "R" cannot work because of "ME". He's afraid I'll not be able to handle the boys while he is at appointments, and he cannot talk on the phone to set appointments because someone is yelling, or fighting. We were not able to sue his ex-partner who emptied the bank account, left us all the bills & just disappeared, because my 17yr old answered his ex-partner's son's question on Facebook. It's amazing..........I have come to realize it has become MY FAULT! Now, how many of you would want to wake up every day & face that reality? Damn, how many of you would want to continue to live????? With my disability.....my income comes in "R's" name in care of "ME' or the boys. So I have NO Control of what happens with any money. So what can I do???? I have to admit....I have been praying at night for this to just be OVER for me. Not the kids.....there will always be someone to take care of them. My Mom is still alive, my 17yr old's Godmother is my niece, my oldest boys are 22yrs old & almost 21yrs old...and I know that my 17yr old's bio-dad is out there somewhere too. But.........I am not one to do something to myself. Just the thought makes me realize how much my kids need me, and the possibilities they will bring in the future. My problem is WHAT DO I DO NOW????? I'll come back later to write more. I cannot see through the tears, and really am not sure how to put the rest into words. (Yes, this goes much, much deeper if I really get into it! :O I know.....it's hard to believe even for me!)

Hi everyone, My name is Donna and I thought keeping a journal and getting acquainted with others who suffer as I do, would be helpful. I am a Single Mom, with 4 boys. Derrick is 21yrs old (22yrs in Dec, 2010) Ryan is 20yrs old (21 in June 2010) Neil is 17yrs old (just turned in Jan 2010) and Billy is 9yrs old (10 in Oct 2010) I am engaged to Billy's father, and we have been together since late 1997. I have a LOT of medical problems to deal with, such as: Celiac Disease (sprue) which will NOT heal, I had my left hip replaced in Nov 2007, due to A-Vascular Necrosis, I had a complete Hysterectomy in Feb 2009 due to an abnormal biopsy, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression. My story is long, but I'll try to keep this 1st part short. When my fiance' (Russ) asked me to move in with him, it took me a lot of thinking before I made my decision. I mean, "Yes" I was about to have his child. But..... I also had 3 other boys to think about. I made sure "R' (as I'll call my fiance') knew that my other 3 boys were MINE, and he could never make me choose between him & them. He said he wouldn't do that, and he wanted me to be a Stay-At-Home Mom for all the boys. It went well in the beginning. Then my oldest, who became the "Man of the house" after I divorced his drug using, alcoholic and physically abusive father, started standing up for me when "R" and I would argue. It took about a month, and both Derrick & "R" were saying that my son should go live with his Dad. A piece of me died! I knew there would never be food in his dad's house, his dad would have all sorts of girls over, and he would be doing drugs around my son. But.....Derrick insisted, (as did "R"). My son never got to finish High School. During this time, I was having extreme pain, and seeing many doctors to get a diagnosis. Then after Derrick moved, I was told I had Celiac, and they discovered my right ureter on my kidney was blocked. I was in the hospital 2 weeks. I didn't see Derrick for over 9mos. Finally we started talking on the phone, and I'd tell him when "R" wasn't gonna be home. All this, just so I could see my son. But................ it gets better! Ryan was an ADHD kid. His mind didn't work like most kids. He was a little slower, but still a very bright kid. He and "R" started getting into arguments because Ryan was picking on the younger boys. Neil he would tease and push around, but Billy was too young for Ryan to do anything to. So daily it was one thing or another that Ryan was having to be "Talked" to or "Yelled" at. I was still very sick, and on some heavy medication. But I wasn't "Stupid" as "R" says I was. So we argued over Ryan for a few years, almost every day!!! By the time Ryan started his senior year, "R" had decided that Ryan would be leaving the house either Immediately after graduation, or by his birthday. (#18, which was June 1st). I had NO say about this. If I even tried.....he'd remind me of EVERY single bad thing Ryan did, or how dispectful Ryan was when we talked or argued. I was so lost and starting to feel very empty inside. But....Ryan moved in with my mother for awhile, and kinda floated between her house & his dad's place. Ryan & I didn't see each other, or even talk for 2yrs. Everything came by message from Derrick. (Who I finally got to cool off and make some sort of Peace with "R", so I could see him.) I know know both Ryan & Derrick knew I was in a BAD spot, and unable to do anything about what happened. Thank God!! But here we are in 2010, and it's Neil's Junior Year in high school, and can you guess where things are heading??? YUP, you got it. Neil has been denied Driver's Ed. ("R" says he's Not Responsible enough), then Neil got involved in Choir, and was picked for the schools Spring Musical. "R" would make fun of his singing & dance steps in front of both Neil & Billy. I could see Neil's face drop. He was holding back the tears. So I would have to talk to him alone, try to encourage him, and tell him to not listen to the teasing "R" and Billy was doing at him. Neil was also an ADHD child, so it wasn't so easy for him. He would get hurt, and the more it happened the more his emotion turned to anger. Now he yells at "R", Billy and Me too. Billy......he's Daddy's Boy. Can't do wrong, make mistakes, or say anything really bad/wrong in his Daddy's eyes. "R" even has Billy ignoring me. He won't listen, fights back with me, yells at me, disrespects me & much more. I understand that since 2002 I have been either very sick, in a lot of pain, or facing a surgery......but "R" thinks he can blame everything on my meds. ie: "How much meds did u take? You sound F'd up", and "Your head's all messed up, and you don't know what your talking about it." and the newest one is: "You need some mental help, you are so far off on what you're thinking and saying." How is someone to feel? I am physically disabled, and cannot work. Now my head is messed up, and I feel like I'm so close to the EDGE....and quite frankly I'm scared to death of feeling like this. I am seeing someone, and a journal was something that was suggested to me. But I feel trapped....I mean, my disability checks aren't enough for a 2bd rm apt, (unless I wanna live in a bad area), I have no vehicle, and need my Dr to write a release that I can re-new my license anyway. I'm estranged from my family, but that's another LONG story. I know I'm not the only one wanting to ask "God" to help. But I'm starting to ask when is "He" going to put me out of my misery. I've asked "God" a billion times what I did so wrong to have this happen to me. (medically & family) Sleep happens only if I take something, I don't wanna go out of the house and around people, I used to love gardening, dancing and being involved in my boys baseball teams. Now I only wanna leave the house for Dr appointments and therapy. I guess I came here to keep a journal to read about others, and just know that there IS someone who understands how I feel. I gave up all my friendships a long time ago, and really miss having someone outside of this house to talk to. Thank you for reading this.... Of course this is just a small intro, and my Dr says I should really dig deep and lay it out there, instead of bottling it up inside. But it's hard to do. I'm embarrassed, I cry constantly, and feel like I'm running in 6 different directions, at the SAME TIME!!!