Hi everyone, My name is Donna and I thought keeping a journal and getting acquainted with others who suffer as I do, would be helpful. I am a Single Mom, with 4 boys. Derrick is 21yrs old (22yrs in Dec, 2010) Ryan is 20yrs old (21 in June 2010) Neil is 17yrs old (just turned in Jan 2010) and Billy is 9yrs old (10 in Oct 2010) I am engaged to Billy's father, and we have been together since late 1997. I have a LOT of medical problems to deal with, such as: Celiac Disease (sprue) which will NOT heal, I had my left hip replaced in Nov 2007, due to A-Vascular Necrosis, I had a complete Hysterectomy in Feb 2009 due to an abnormal biopsy, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression. My story is long, but I'll try to keep this 1st part short. When my fiance' (Russ) asked me to move in with him, it took me a lot of thinking before I made my decision. I mean, "Yes" I was about to have his child. But..... I also had 3 other boys to think about. I made sure "R' (as I'll call my fiance') knew that my other 3 boys were MINE, and he could never make me choose between him & them. He said he wouldn't do that, and he wanted me to be a Stay-At-Home Mom for all the boys. It went well in the beginning. Then my oldest, who became the "Man of the house" after I divorced his drug using, alcoholic and physically abusive father, started standing up for me when "R" and I would argue. It took about a month, and both Derrick & "R" were saying that my son should go live with his Dad. A piece of me died! I knew there would never be food in his dad's house, his dad would have all sorts of girls over, and he would be doing drugs around my son. But.....Derrick insisted, (as did "R"). My son never got to finish High School. During this time, I was having extreme pain, and seeing many doctors to get a diagnosis. Then after Derrick moved, I was told I had Celiac, and they discovered my right ureter on my kidney was blocked. I was in the hospital 2 weeks. I didn't see Derrick for over 9mos. Finally we started talking on the phone, and I'd tell him when "R" wasn't gonna be home. All this, just so I could see my son. But................ it gets better! Ryan was an ADHD kid. His mind didn't work like most kids. He was a little slower, but still a very bright kid. He and "R" started getting into arguments because Ryan was picking on the younger boys. Neil he would tease and push around, but Billy was too young for Ryan to do anything to. So daily it was one thing or another that Ryan was having to be "Talked" to or "Yelled" at. I was still very sick, and on some heavy medication. But I wasn't "Stupid" as "R" says I was. So we argued over Ryan for a few years, almost every day!!! By the time Ryan started his senior year, "R" had decided that Ryan would be leaving the house either Immediately after graduation, or by his birthday. (#18, which was June 1st). I had NO say about this. If I even tried.....he'd remind me of EVERY single bad thing Ryan did, or how dispectful Ryan was when we talked or argued. I was so lost and starting to feel very empty inside. But....Ryan moved in with my mother for awhile, and kinda floated between her house & his dad's place. Ryan & I didn't see each other, or even talk for 2yrs. Everything came by message from Derrick. (Who I finally got to cool off and make some sort of Peace with "R", so I could see him.) I know know both Ryan & Derrick knew I was in a BAD spot, and unable to do anything about what happened. Thank God!! But here we are in 2010, and it's Neil's Junior Year in high school, and can you guess where things are heading??? YUP, you got it. Neil has been denied Driver's Ed. ("R" says he's Not Responsible enough), then Neil got involved in Choir, and was picked for the schools Spring Musical. "R" would make fun of his singing & dance steps in front of both Neil & Billy. I could see Neil's face drop. He was holding back the tears. So I would have to talk to him alone, try to encourage him, and tell him to not listen to the teasing "R" and Billy was doing at him. Neil was also an ADHD child, so it wasn't so easy for him. He would get hurt, and the more it happened the more his emotion turned to anger. Now he yells at "R", Billy and Me too. Billy......he's Daddy's Boy. Can't do wrong, make mistakes, or say anything really bad/wrong in his Daddy's eyes. "R" even has Billy ignoring me. He won't listen, fights back with me, yells at me, disrespects me & much more. I understand that since 2002 I have been either very sick, in a lot of pain, or facing a surgery......but "R" thinks he can blame everything on my meds. ie: "How much meds did u take? You sound F'd up", and "Your head's all messed up, and you don't know what your talking about it." and the newest one is: "You need some mental help, you are so far off on what you're thinking and saying." How is someone to feel? I am physically disabled, and cannot work. Now my head is messed up, and I feel like I'm so close to the EDGE....and quite frankly I'm scared to death of feeling like this. I am seeing someone, and a journal was something that was suggested to me. But I feel trapped....I mean, my disability checks aren't enough for a 2bd rm apt, (unless I wanna live in a bad area), I have no vehicle, and need my Dr to write a release that I can re-new my license anyway. I'm estranged from my family, but that's another LONG story. I know I'm not the only one wanting to ask "God" to help. But I'm starting to ask when is "He" going to put me out of my misery. I've asked "God" a billion times what I did so wrong to have this happen to me. (medically & family) Sleep happens only if I take something, I don't wanna go out of the house and around people, I used to love gardening, dancing and being involved in my boys baseball teams. Now I only wanna leave the house for Dr appointments and therapy. I guess I came here to keep a journal to read about others, and just know that there IS someone who understands how I feel. I gave up all my friendships a long time ago, and really miss having someone outside of this house to talk to. Thank you for reading this.... Of course this is just a small intro, and my Dr says I should really dig deep and lay it out there, instead of bottling it up inside. But it's hard to do. I'm embarrassed, I cry constantly, and feel like I'm running in 6 different directions, at the SAME TIME!!!