It NEVER Ends......
April 27th, 2010
It NEVER Ends......
Written by: depression overload
Published on April 27th, 2010 @ 05:19:35 pm , using 829 words, 94 views
Published on April 27th, 2010 @ 05:19:35 pm , using 829 words, 94 views
Posted in depression_overload
I have been suffering from a cracked tooth, and it's been hard to eat, drink or even sleep. They won't remove it until May 4th, due to it getting infected.
OK, so I knew I didn't have the money to see a dentist, and I waited till the last minute.
It's sometimes the sacrifice Mom's have to make, right? But it's getting taken care of, and that's that. Or so I thought! (UGH!!!)
I have mentioned that I am disabled & have other medical problems....and due to that, AND the depression I take many medicines and several vitamins & supplements.
Wellllllllllllllll, tonight, I finally had it thrown in my face and just cannot take it anymore. It's always "You don't know what you're saying" or "You didn't say that" and then the dreaded slap...."You're so messed up you don't know what you are saying, or said!"
Listen....I KNOW I am not so messed up on my meds to NEVER know what I'm saying, or have said. It's been an excuse for "R" in front of the kids for a LONG time now, and it has finally cut through my heart. I cannot ALWAYS be wrong, or said something different. And if I argue back.....look out. "R" knows EXACTLY what I said, and how I said it.
As if I don't have enough problems, Eh? I know I am depressed, and my nerves are on the verge of shattering. BUT.....it's from EVERYONE in this house. My 9yr old said to "R" (his dad), after I questioned why my son wouldn't wear a certain item, "Mom's just pissed-off at the world today, I don't know what's up with her. Would other 9yr olds say that????? Or how about giving the person who gave birth to him a little respect???? Not my son. His father has been talking down about me to him, and says that the boy needs to know so he can understand. And after REALLY thinking about it, I know now some of the things my son has said is EXACTLY the same thing "R" has said to me. (Of course in "R's" eyes it wasn't putting me down, or demeaning me.) But now that I have started talking to a therapist and seeing a psych....I'm noticing it now, and realizing it wasn't just me feeling so bad about myself, and thinking I was wrong in how those things were said.
I always thought I was taking it harsher and making it seem like it was a bad thing.
And the arguments between "R" and my 17yr old............OMG! It's no wonder my nerves are shattered. He never, I mean NEVER lets up on that boy. He doesn't just talk to him.....he talks AT him! And we were wondering WHY this child was acting like whatever we said went in one ear & out the other. Maybe because when I wasn't around to see it, that boy was getting chastised, put down, demeaned & made to feel like sh*t! I think I now know why he doesn't feel like he belongs here.
Why????? And why me???? What did I do so bad in my life to have all this fall on me.....like a MOUNTAIN of bricks!!
The house is going into foreclosure very soon, and "R" cannot work because of "ME". He's afraid I'll not be able to handle the boys while he is at appointments, and he cannot talk on the phone to set appointments because someone is yelling, or fighting. We were not able to sue his ex-partner who emptied the bank account, left us all the bills & just disappeared, because my 17yr old answered his ex-partner's son's question on Facebook.
It's amazing..........I have come to realize it has become MY FAULT!
Now, how many of you would want to wake up every day & face that reality? Damn, how many of you would want to continue to live?????
With my disability.....my income comes in "R's" name in care of "ME' or the boys.
So I have NO Control of what happens with any money. So what can I do????
I have to admit....I have been praying at night for this to just be OVER for me. Not the kids.....there will always be someone to take care of them. My Mom is still alive, my 17yr old's Godmother is my niece, my oldest boys are 22yrs old & almost 21yrs old...and I know that my 17yr old's bio-dad is out there somewhere too.
But.........I am not one to do something to myself. Just the thought makes me realize how much my kids need me, and the possibilities they will bring in the future. My problem is WHAT DO I DO NOW?????
I'll come back later to write more. I cannot see through the tears, and really am not sure how to put the rest into words. (Yes, this goes much, much deeper if I really get into it! :O I know.....it's hard to believe even for me!)
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