Destinations

So here we are again, all ready for the second part. I suppose, looking over my last post that I didn't really reveal much about myself even though I said enough about my life. Of course, this second part is where my life starts getting really interesting. Not that I think my life story should be published as some biography that will make me famous or anything.

I have been with Randy for 14 years now. I knew by the end of the second year that we were going to have problems. I still had it in my head that monogomy was "the right thing" and that this is what all good girls did. After all, my mother had raised me. Too bad she's nuttier than a can of Planters! It has taken me a long time to unlearn all the bullshit she taught me.

By the end of the second year, I was practically begging Randy for sex. I was lucky if we did it once every three or four months. It played hell on my self esteem. Wasn't I pretty enough? Was I too fat? Too thin? What was wrong with me that he didn't want me? Later I realized that it was him that had the problem not me. He just has no libedo. He can't change that, its just how he is. I suppose there are women out there that would be grateful to have a man that didn't want to have sex more than once a year. Once we even went two years without having sex.

When I turned 28 I started going online to this chat room. I've always loved to write and it was there I discovered a way out of the box I was in. I know there are lots of people who think cyber sex is lame, but when its all you've got, then you take what you can get. Besides I had fun writing erotica. I never cared for the idea of phone or cam sex so I stayed away from that. After all, the fantasy was that I was beautiful and desirable again. Why would I want to ruin that by showing people how ugly I was?

When my daughter was two, I was working at a casino. I met Ari there. He wasn't super good looking but he had a fantastic body. We flirted during lunchbreak every day. I felt bad about it, but at the same time I desperately needed a way to feel good about myself. We finally got to the point where I was seriously considering having sex with him. I broke up with Randy. I'm just not the kind of person who could sneak around. I told him there was someone else and gave him back his ring.

Ari was pretty great physically anyway. I certainly felt wanted. The problem was he wanted sex all the time, even when I was sick.  We couldn't really talk much, because we didn't have much in common. During this time, Randy and I were swapping our daughter back and forth because I would never have kept him from seeing his daughter. She didn't seem to feel worried because we saw Randy practically every day.  About a year later, I learned that Randy was having a hard time financially.  I suggested that he move back in with me. Then he could see our daughter every day, and ease the financial burden for himself. He agreed.

For a while there was Randy and our daughter in one room. My mom and my son in another room. Then Ari and myself slept in another room. It was a decent arrangement but all the time I was getting more bored with Ari. He was hot, but had no real substance. I had a few relationships online, but it was sporadic and the men weren't really interested in anything but a fantasy. These days that doesn't bother me, but back then it did.

I was looking for something more serious. A friend of mine told me about a game online that I could play that also had a chat. I thought it sounded really cool so I decided to give it a go. That was where I met hmm... I will call him "Mr X" not that he deserves any privacy but hell I wouldn't want someone spreading my name all over the internet. Mr X was dashing and serious and smart. He lived in England but that was ok, I wasn't looking to meet anyone in person. Our relationship became more serious over a course of two years. He finally broke it off with me saying how he "wanted me too much".

I quit playing the game for a while and concentrated on how to get rid of Ari. I finally found out that my coworker had liked Ari for a long time and decided to play match maker. So far as I know, the two of them are now happily married and trying to make a baby.  Randy and I stayed living together though the relationship remained platonic. I know there are people out there who don't believe it is possible. Believe me, if the man has no libedo, its possible!

We moved to Texas eventually and I started to play that online game again. I ended up hooking up with Mr. X again. It was like we'd never been away from each other. Things got really intense. Of course I should have been warned by his statements. Listen up girls, if a guy ever says things to you like "I'm a bad person" or "You shouldn't trust me" take my advice and listen to him, cause he's NOT lying.

He finally got me to agree to meet him. So I went off to England, a trip I made sure he paid for because there was no way I was paying for it! I spent four days there. It was really cool seeing Big Ben and the palace and Hyde Park in person.  As for the time spent with Mr X well... I can't say the same. He had major impotency problems. It didn't take me long to figure out that he only got off if it was voyeristic. In otherwards, he was more interested in living a fantasy than living a reality.

When I got back home, I was kinda bummed out. Randy had started talking to me about how I should move out and when I asked where I would live he said I could move in with mom. I went balistic on him and we had a big old fight. Things had finally calmed down and we were buddies again, when the worst happened. Mr X decided to tell me that he was seeing someone else online.  Worse, it turned out to be my best online friend.  Pfft with friends like that who needs enemies??

Of course I was naturally devastated. I was also extremely pissed off. I decided that I would get closure by getting revenge. Now I can't say this is a good idea for everyone, but it was the only way I could handle it. He had a forum that I had built for him. I went to it, logged on as an admin, erased everyone off of it, and finally deleted it.  I only had to wait a day before he and his new gf were sending me messages asking me why? Seriously?  Were they really that stupid?

After having my revenge I stopped playing that online game for good. What was the point? I knew most of the people there. They were all liars and decievers. None of them really cared about me. I spent the next year in a state so abysmal that I can't even recall most of it.

When I turned 35 I finally woke up. What was I doing trying to please everyone else? Why wasn't I being who I wanted to be? I realized that I was polyamorous and dominant by nature, a nature I had suppressed for 35 long tiresome years. I was not interested in following the rules.  I was not interested in attending church, wearing dresses, or doing what I was told.  I was tired of being nice to people who weren't nice to me.  I was tired of showing respect to people who had none for me.

I still haven't found any men who would be interested in a woman like me, but thats ok with me. I do get lonely at times, but I'd rather be lonely than miserable. Well thats my life so far. I suppose future posts will be just updates on current events with occasional flashbacks into the past.

Somewhere along the rambling winding path that is my life, will be a place of change, a destination. In everyone's life there are many such stops along the road. Each stop along the path changes something in my life, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in more profound ways.  I will tell the story of my past, and perhaps my future as well.  For those of you reading this, I hope you will enjoy and that I can make you laugh, or touch your heart in ways you never thought possible.  Maybe my life will resonate with some of you.

My life was pretty boring until I was twelve, so what can I say about it to sum it up? I had two best friends.  I was pretty introverted even as a child.  Also my thoughts were probably not the kindest. I used to watch my mother with men and think to myself I didn't want to be like her.  She was so desperate and needy.  After all she'd been raised to believe that no woman is whole without a man.

I was maybe 5 or 6 the first time I met my biological father, at least thats what mom told him and me. I found out later she wasn't sure if he was the father or if another dude was.  He had long black hair that went all the way down to the back of his knees.  He kept an assortment of exotic pets, lizards, a boa constrictor and a tarantula.  I remember freaking out when I picked up one of his lizards by the tail and the tail came off in my hand!  It was one of those lizards that does that as a defense against predators.  Don't worry, the tail grew back! :D

He was not a tall man, but he had a big barrel chest and wide shoulders. I was always slightly afraid of his booming voice. My mother later told me he never wanted to see me at all and that he denied all paternity.  But I sometimes wonder if that is true, mother is known for her manipulation tactics.

I didn't see him again until I was 11. He had his hair shorter by then, it was mid-back. I remember he got mad at me during my visit and I cried. My dad is horrible with kids, he can't handle them, so I am glad he was never really in my life much.  I remember his girl friend cooking an egg dish of some kind and asking her about it.  It was some kind of egg that you had to let puff up in the pan until it looks a bit like a fluffy pancake.

Well anyway, back to my mom. My mom is ultra religious.  This can be a curse when you are just a kid... hmm it is still a curse for me anyway!  When I was 5, my mother married one of the decons from her church. He became my step-dad. When I was 6, he told my mother he was sexually attracted to me. She kicked him out of the house and divorced him.

When I was 7 I had a reoccuring nightmare about Hell. That was the year the preacher at my mother's church liked to scream from the pulpit about how we would go to HELL if we didn't BELIEVE, and there in that terrible place we would BURN for ALL ETERNITY!! I was only 7 and terrified by such horrible images. I still remember the dream vividly.

In the dream I'm in a circle of fire and there is this little electric heater trying to chase after me.  Its cord trailed out from behind it like a tail.  I'd run around in circles trying to get away from it.  Isn't that just the silliest dream?  I'd wake up screaming and mother would come running.  I'd still be seeing the circle of flames and she'd have to shake me and shout my name for me to wake up all the way.

Typical of the attitude I would one day develop more fully, I got tired of having that dream.  One night I decided I would make myself sleep all the way through that stupid dream.  I did and nothing happened.  After that I never had the dream again, go figure.

When I was 8, mother met Ahmed.  He worked on one of those commercial fishing ships and was home 6 months of the year, then gone 6 months.  He always had plenty of money when he came home.  He would spend it lavishly, taking us out to eat and to the amusement park. Then off he'd go for another 6 months.

In the mean time, mother was still going to church and dragging me along with her. Apparently they thought she was "sinning" because she'd divorced my step-dad.  They were pushing her to remarry him. Typical of mother, she tried to manipulate Ahmed into marrying her by telling him how the church was pressuring her. Like she couldn't have stood up for herself? Hello? He finally got tired of her attempts to manipulate him and they broke up.

Its almost like she wanted to blame him for her decision to remarry my step-dad. Like she couldn't have thought for herself? Well she never was one to think for herself anyway. She remarried my step-dad.  I asked her years later why she had done that. She told me that the church had pressured her into "doing the right thing".  She also said she didn't think he'd be interested in me anymore because I was older.  I was angry with her for being so stupid. I mean even now years later she STILL doesn't take responsibility for her own actions, its always everyone else's fault.

I suppose I was lucky, he never got to do what he really wanted to do with me.  After being married to him for a year she finally figured out that she had made a mistake and that he was definitely still interested in me (insert eye roll here). Mother divorced him a second time, and there was a huge custody battle.  The whole church turned against her.  They said she was crazy.  Nevermind that they'd known her for years and him only for a few years.

My life from the time I was 12 to the time I was 17 was a series of painful and unfulfilling experiences.  I felt angry most of the time.  I didn't know what my step-dad was.  I didn't know what was going on, and mother saw no need to explain anything to me. I didn't know why I couldn't see my best friend.   I didn't know that the church had refused to let me see her because of the divorce. Mother didn't talk to me, didn't explain things to me.  As I got older, I watched mother going through men with increasing frequency.

My first marriage turned out to be a fiasco.  I did it mostly to get away from my mother.  He was a violent and insecure fellow.  When I started having a reoccuring nightmare about him chasing me with a needle full of poison (he was a krystal meth user), I knew it was time die or leave.

I came back home, only to find out that my mother couldn't take me in. She lived in one of those communal places where its like a room and then a community bathroom and kitchen. I stayed with my dad for a while. He wasn't much help to me. I was in a pretty bad state by then, wouldn't talk much, wouldn't meet anyone's eyes for more than a few seconds, but at least he let me stay.

I started doing volunteer work and met my second husband there. I wasted no time moving in with him.  I suppose there are people who would think I was a slut.  Hell any woman who even  THINKS she knows what she wants and likes is an automatic slut.  I sometimes feel like some people think we should be living in the Victorian age where women closed thier eyes and pretended to hate it by turning thier face away while the man jumps on humps her frantically.  Seriously? I don't think so.

I see this same "Victorian" attitude even on the internet. "Oh I would never do THAT!" as if sex is some dirty word never to be discussed except in the softest of whispers. Sure there are lots of things I wouldn't do, but I'd never say so to someone who is obviously into something that I am not into.

My life during my second marriage was pretty boring. Not much happened, just day in and day out stuff. When we broke it off my life was pretty much still boring. Not much to report there. There was raising my son, and welfare and school. I guess the biggest thing that happened during this phase was just before we broke up.

There was this couple we were living with. They had two kids. The girl was a little angel, sweet and charming. One day I noticed the looks her dad was giving her. I decided they were bad looks. The girl was 8 years old, but she was tall for her age so her and I were the same height and I was only a little heavier than her. I decided to start sleeping near the girl's room. I began noticing the looks the dad was giving me. They were the same as the ones he gave his daughter. I used this to my advantage. Why not? I was still young and good looking enough. I figured if he was on top of me he wouldn't be on top of his own kid.

After I broke up with my second husband, I continued living with the couple and did my best to keep the dad occupied and well away from his daughter. Unfortunately, it was not long before mother decided it was her job to "rescue" me from them.  She claimed to need help from me so naturally I went to live with her.  I found out a couple months later that the girl was having all sorts of problems in school when she'd never had any before.  I was pretty sure the problems she was having weren't caused from school.

Well needless to say I got pregnant as a result. The only reason I hadn't gotten pregnant before that was because my husband at the time was shooting blanks thanks to all the beer he was consuming on a nightly basis. I was scared of course, what with being all alone and having a son to raise and the prospect of another child as well.  I never once considered giving her up or getting an abortion.  I don't view her as being at fault for any of my own stupidity.  She is just herself and an individual, seperate from me or her biological father.

As far as I am concerned her real father is the one who raised her. That is the fellow I am with now.  He's a good guy who will give you the shirt off of his back and has a heart of gold.  He has plenty of annoying habits though so don't worry I'm not going to turn him into a paragon of virtue!

Whew! This is turning out to be a long story! I think I'll save part two for next time.