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Being Honest With Myself

Today I managed to drag myself outa bed,and out the house. I had to go to the bank, and having the kids with me makes it 20 x's worse. By the time I loaded everything i needed up in the car and got there I was halfway mentally exausted. I can feel it because people will ask me how im doing and today I was so pessimistic, boarderline angry and sarcastic when I answered. The kids are just 2 ad 4, yet while I was trying to keep my patience while the bankers handled an issue with my card I couldnt help snapping at the kids! All I kept thinking was how badly I wanted to get the heck outa there. I kept thinking about how I was gonna pay my cell bill and school fees now? Having no money to get my kids new shoes and panths, their fathers being of No support what so ever! Its always on me... I got back in the car with the kids and it took forever to get out the parking lot. It's so stressful to have so much else on your mind and others wanna speed up just as you try to get over into the left hand turning lane. Ugh. I ended up having to go the entire war around thru the grocery store parking  lot. and by the time i did I as in tears. I got to my Bf's , moms house ready to stand my ground. and Explain to here how quick to judge she is, and negative and this and that. I didnt...Lets say I was a mess ended up doing what I always do. Second guessing myself, my words and rambling on as if trying to convince her to have more compassion for me and mysitiuation.  I mean I have been out here a few years, came here to be in this relationship with her son. I have none of my close family out here, not many friends I feel I can turn to for support, and so having her be two faced toward me. nice in my face and evil when I am not around if hurtful... I am sure I shared way more info about me to her than I should have! Which probably doesnt give her a better impression of the step parent I am to her grand children. Well... I spent the day jumping from subject to subject, depression to stress to anxiety then finally. I was too tired to even feel. Somehow I felt somewhat regulated and normal when I left. Maybe those are the mild mood swings I have been having all my life. Its so natural I have to think of them in order to notice them happening. When I start talking to people its because I have so many concerns and thoughts in my head, I have to talk about them or I get in these pent up states, of anger and hostility toward everyone. Its weird because most of the time I desire so much to have a social life outsidemy home, and sense of myself back besides being a mother. but when the depression comes, and it comes alot. Its just enough for me to feed, dress and care for my kids. I have no energy to go outside, taking them with me of coarse and try to have fun. Going anywhere! Is a stressful event for me. That if I can avoid it or put it off I do. But I know I cant keep doing this. My bf said thats being with me is like being on a roaller coaster, up and down, and no end in sight. I know its true but even though milder, when I was a child Its been this way. I can remember crying in the back seat of my mothers car, and not knowing why. Or nights and nights I wrote in y journal and cried. It was my only escape. The pages were the only ones listening. I talked to my therapist yesterday about how bad the mood swings have gotten and I was embarassed. I am not suicidal or a threat to myself or kids. In fact they are the only reason I get out of bed sometimes. But when I am depressed, I yell at them alot and feel very guilty for it. I dont want to be around people when im upset. Whats worse is I always feel like crying but lately its very difficult to do so. I stay up at night sometimes after feeding the baby because its the only time the kids are al quiet and the thoughts are not so loud in my mind. Its less stressful at night, when I stay up. but difficult  because I know lack of sleep leads to my breakdowns! For instance the other night  I went to bed at 10pm, woke at 1am and stayed up the rest of the whole night. I felt so elated, and happy and excited I dont know why . But I talked excessively to my Bf till the sun came up and then I had to go to work. That bad thing about this is knowing this period of happiness and giddiness is very short lived because it is usually followed by a day of depression and exaustion where spilling cereal will set me off.  This is what I must share with the psycologist when I speak to her in a week. I thought more about my symptoms, the highs and lows and in betweens . They have always been with me but I feel like they are more visible as I am an adult now and mother. I am tired of feeling this way and not knowing what to do or how to fix it. I just feel like im not normal, and even my closest friends dont know the real me. I am going to talk  more , but my therapist has been giving me infor on types of bi polar disorders and I have almost all the symptoms except suicidal tendencies.The very lows of my depression, and anxietys. The racing thoughts that effect my life badly and the very few highs. but when they come they are so subtle they just seem like im "having a good day". I am hoping and praying ... This is finally it. and I can get started on a med that will help ease me into a normalized state. Bi polar disorder in a chemical imbalance in the brain. I will soon know how to try and get better. I have to get better.

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