... a depression and anxiety blog and chat room community.

Bookmark and Share

times before the first blog

November 5th, 2010

Ive just moved away from home, to france. didnt know anyone, just me. see what i can develop and work through if given the time and space. and so when i do go home i want to be at a stage where i feel in control. to prove that the time away was not just exactly what i needed and very productive, but that i can be the person i want to be. that i can be happy that i can be stable. for everyone else as well as myself, as i know how bad it feels from my side and i assume its not much fun for the people around me either. depression hurts everyone, its just that the people being hurt by it indirectly, because of a loved one suffering from it, dont always know its the depression to blame.

the fact that i find it very hard to imagine what i would enjoy or want to do is because for me it always depends so much on my state of mind: where i am in the guilt cycle where i am in the depression cycle, where i am in the paranoia cycle, where i am in the anxst cycle. so it feels completely impossible for me to predict what i will be able to enjoy, when i will have a good day and what i will be doing when that happens... i suppose that may contribute to why i always liked situations i hadnt chosen or paid for or was expected to have fun at - because when situations werent like this i would rarely be excited, i would generally feel numb or negative as i knew that however 'fun' the activity was would have absolutely nothing to do with my enjoyment of the experience.

for example that day at the sanctuary (a spa), a christmas present, an expensive xmas present. which sounded as good idea as any. but as i remember it, it was one particularly memorable low day. the kind of low day that is very hard to describe to someone who cant just understand it from that. LOW day. its not just numb, its definitely not nothing, it is a very real feeling, but also very irrational. so it follows that no rationalising can erase it. if someone has ever taken a drug that gave them a comedown that makes them hurt inside, like they are physically deteriorating inside, in your heart and your mind. and they cant understand it so you cant possibly try to explain it to someone - so often, people feeling it dont show it. they rationally know how rediculous it is so they keep on smiling and talking. but if anyone followed that smile for a few seconds longer than it was expected to appear on their face, they would see it vanish as if it was never there and be replaced with a look of trying not to throw up. and a scarily dead look in their eyes.

sometimes it gets so sickening i can actually feel the acidic taste in my mouth making it tingle in preparation for vomit.

what s horrible though is the despair. going on like normal when you really need some kind of mental rehab, you need to be pumped full of knowledge of good things and happy places and happy people and taught ways to harness your thoughts. but its not just that you dont know how to describe it, you are also scared of them not understanding, as you are in such a delicate state  you cant risk them saying anything that will make it worse or make it last longer, or let them know you are hating every second of your christmas treat.

so often all i manage to say is something like 'woah, i feel bad. i just feel, whoa, i dont know what to do - omg this is horrible' and someone unexperienced in the field will just ask why and try to help in for example changing the subject or making me laugh. but thats like giving laughing gas to a patient with a potentially fatal disease. it doesent help for the long run or the short run really. when you feel like this even laughter hurts.



the first blog

November 4th, 2010

i dont know about everyone else, but my depression seems to resemble a wave. in an frequently choppy sea.

and sometimes i can swim and enjoy the water, and sometimes i can see a tsunami forming from afar and i cant get out.

so this time (as it seems to vary), im in a state where i can stay afloat but every gasp of air is short lived and is interupted by accidental intake of water. making me choke. the air is the enjoyment, anything that might make me smile, anything that i may normally enjoy.

i dont think the feeling of depression can ever really be understood by anyone who doesnt suffer from it, any other rational human couldnt comprehend something so completely irrational.

wouldnt it be incredible if people could have the inverse, if there were some people who just felt deliriously happy all the time with no apparent reason.

i say its irrational because at the times i have tried to explain it to someone i realise how stupid i sound (which coincidently i believe contributes to its horrific effects, because it is so iscolating). sometimes the explanation would be about the grief i was feeling for all the things i will ever loose, all the loved ones and things going, leaving me. which of course is on one level rational in a sense that i will lose things i love in my life, but it is vital to realise the beauty is in having the love of it first. and the happiness that brings, but if im so depressed about the eventual loss of it, i will not enjoy having it so their ironically would be little to grieve when it goes. also when my mind is poisining me like this i seem to think of losing everything all at once. all people and things whereas that is almost impossible. people will leave and pass away at all different times and if i am lucky i will have children who will outlive me so i will never have to have them leave me.

the clever bit is about the way my mind tricks me is how utterly convincible it is. it takes information given to it by a reliable source, or even the common knowledge that nothing lasts for ever or everything living must die, and out of this natural fact, it forms a feeling in me that rots my insides.

you see, it moulds the information to make it horrific. but it does it at such a late stage in the process of making thoughts that i dont even think to question it. for example like above, the feeling that i have about nothing lasting forever is actually derived from the idea of loosing it all at once, and the same fate for everyone all at once, with noone around able to enjoy anything because all that was loved is lost. but that is not the right derivative.

and that is only one example. imagine a huge company that produced milk, and the cows and the machines etc all worked well and were healthy etc but there was a faulty machine just before the milk got packaged up that put poison into the milk. and it all happened so quick including distribution that the problem is only noticed when people start getting sick. well in this analogy i might get sick from one carton of milk and i am trying to fix that last machine but i dont have any other supplier of milk so a lot of the time im drinking poison. i suppose a parallel could be drawn also to the poorest 6th of the population who dont have clean water supply and although it can kill them they have to keep drinking it.

which brings me to another common supposed 'cause' of my depressive episodes: guilt. and compassion. i seem to spend a lot of my time thinking about those less well off than me. i try not to be all talk, im 18 and i give to charities, do volunteer work, and generally work hard so i can one day try and make an actual difference. but its completely exhausting. i do know its not my sole responsibility to change the world. i know it but i cant feel it. and i dont think i dont deserve what i have, but that everyone deserves to have what i have, or the opportunity to have what i have. or some access to happiness.

which is ironic of course because i just wrote about 'what i have' and assuming that was access to happiness, when the very reason i am writing this blog is because that is something i really struggle to obtain. and there have definitely been times where i thought i would genuinely never be able to feel it again, or even laugh, or even smile again.

so maybe the life of a successfull depressive is bound to go like this, things go well and from the outside things look rather peachy. your on a rollercoaster going up and up. but when you get to a certain point, a certain level of happiness, i realise how much is and what could be below me. and something in that knowledge brings me right back down to the bottom. and like on a ride, you at the lowest point so fast that part of you feels like your still at the top.  what im trying to show here is that by being so concerned about the rest of the people in the world who i seem to think have less than me (once more probably a trick of my mind, as that is inevitably immeasurable and not constant) i bring on my depression, that then leaves me on or near the bottom of the pile. as if the sky is happiness the ground must be depression.

and as i have contemplated the meaning of life a fair amount too (these 18 years have not been spent easily) with a rough conclusion that happiness must be our aim for this life, even if that includes people believing they are pleasing their god etc, it is all ways of living that satisfies our happiness. and as the opposite of happiness i believe to be depression, its quite a tiring process whereby i must first aquire happiness only then for the happiness itself to ultimately descend into depression

thats why i think my life is a rollercoaster, whereas many peoples are like the little trains for todlers where it stays at the same level and pace generally. im envious of those passengers sometimes.


Depression Blogs - Depression Journals - Anxiety Blogs - Anxiety Journals - Depression Chat Rooms - Anxiety Chat Rooms

Copyright 2010 www.depression-blogs-chat-rooms.org All rights reserved.