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Coming to the States for a white Christmas!

drowning_not_waving 2 feedbacks »

I live in Melbourne, Australia.

This year, I am coming to the States for a white Christmas....!!!

All my life I've watched the fantastic Christmas movies from America on the tele, I have had dreams of experiencing  Christmas in the snow and this year, it's happening!

It seems so selfish and horrible of me....but just a few weeks ago I was so down and depressed in the "now" that even this coming holiday didn't seem to lift my mood. But as the mood has lifted and the trip is getting closer...well, maybe these two things are working in unison.

I'm going to do my darndest to forget myself, my hang ups and all the worries that I seem to carry around with me all the time and just enjoy and have fun.

Christmas in New York, New Year in Chicago and then a week at Disney World in Orlando Florida!

I am one very lucky person....

Just how cold is it there at Christmas?


It aint all bad!

drowning_not_waving 2 feedbacks »

Today I went and saw my psychologist. I am seeing her once a week at the moment. She is helping me with a number of long standing deep seated issues that I am desperate to try and find the best way to manage and come to terms with.

 She reminded me once again today that although there is no cure for depression, we can try our best to manage it.

Why is it so hard to accept that there is a problem with our brains, or minds?

Is it because that by taking tablets we are alterring "ourselves"  The people that we are?

I should be just speaking for myself here. If I had to take medication for any other part of my body, it wouldn't have this same stigma attached...It's damn hard to admit that I need tablets to keep functioning productively...that the brain chemicals are out of wack and I need artificial help.

My psychologist explained that my depression and anxiety do not define me. They are a part of me but I have many many other parts to me aswell. If I change my attitude and stop focusing on the parts of me that I cannot change, if I accept them and choose to focus on all the other wonderful parts that make me who I am, well then, maybe things won't seem so grim.

So, it ain't all bad!

I think I've always had that "the cup is half empty" outlook...I waste my energy getting angry and upset about something that I cannot fix...rather than just accepting it and trying to make the best of things...

Acceptance is my lesson....and to keep it in perspective.

I always did like a challenge...:)


The space between the thoughts.

drowning_not_waving 4 feedbacks »



One day a psychologist taught me something really helpful but extremely hard to do.

To focus on the space between the thoughts.

To try to focus on the "nothing"  between the thoughts.

My mind never stops...I just want to stop thinking!!  Just for 5 minutes....what a blessed relief that would be.

So, I wanted to share this with you,  see if you can do this.......it's a skill.......but I believe where there's a will there's a way.

I visualise in my mind's eye,  a wave crashing onto the shore and then receeding back into the ocean, taking with it all my distressing thoughts that make me feel so bad.

Listen to your breathing, that helps too......breathe in the good, breathe out the bad.......whatever works!

Good luck,  thanks for reading...


Lifts the mood.

drowning_not_waving Send feedback »

Hi all,

I just had to write and say that I posted a comment on someone's blog the other day and she wrote back and was so touched that I took the time and cared enough to make a comment.

Sometimes when you're feeling so low about your own circumstances just knowing that you've helped someone else by writing one small sentence can really lift the mood...it did mine.

Thankyou so very much.....you know who you are..:)

All for now,

drowning not waving.

Anxiety and tic tacs.

drowning_not_waving 2 feedbacks »

 Here I am again....:)

I didn't think I'd be writing another blog so soon.....

The longing and desire to connect with others who can identify with what I am going through is certainly powerful.

The posts that I have read while at this site have really touched me so much. I can  feel people's pain and anguish coming through in their words as I read them. I too can identify with so much that I have read. Particularily anxiety and fear and how it can cripple your life and make you just about paralised in fear.

In my early twenties I used to dry reach all day. The only thing that helped ease it was sucking on peppermints. So, everywhere I went I had a packet of tic tacs with me. I remember the dry reaching was always at it's worst when I got up in the morning. No, I wasn't pregnant, it was just intense anxiety about the day ahead. I used to have to shower at night because I would throw up my coffee/tea or breakfast under the shower in the morning. Something about being naked and vulnerable I suppose. I remember so many times while driving the car I would have to pull over to the side of the road so that I could spit in the gutter..I had vomited in my mouth. Dry reaching was the worst symptom but I also used to perspire with the anxiety too, I still do (mainly when I spend money)! but not as badly now.

As I said, the anxiety was always at it's most intense first thing in the day and as the day got older, the dry reaching happened less often....I recall though, even coming back home into my empty house, or having to leaving friends or familiar places and being alone again would trigger it.

Serious abandonment issues.....and how could a grown woman be such a scaredy cat?

I still don't know to this day what the anxiety is about for sure but when my mother and sister were killed that day when I was sixteen, I just felt totally out of my depth...like that poem, all alone, lost and abandoned, in a desolate land.....

I remember thinking that god must have got distracted with something else because my survival that day was a miracle to others but a mistake to me.  It wasn't how it was supposed to be. I mean we drove over a cliff for god's sake and my mother and sister died instantly.

And how dare god leave me all alone!! How could he do this to me?? 

I felt absolutely alone and very illequipped to face the big wide world by myself.

I kept thinking that they couldn't be dead, it had to be some mistake and if I waited long enough mum would come for me. Eventually I realised that even she wouldn't be that cruel, to make me wait soo long...you know...years!!!

I am not agarophobic...but if I had to choose between a wide open space and a small closet, I would choose the closet every time. I actually like small spaces and always wished I could be invisible as a child.

I am an extrovert at heart, a typical aries girl, head strong, bossy, I have to be the best....I loved to be the centre of attention when I was a child....all those endearing qualities!

But for many years, the circumstances in my life turned me into somewhat of an introvert...I didn't want to go out and had so little confidence in myself... I pushed people away because living was just too hard. The more I indulged those fears and didn't challenge them the worse and more engrained in me they got....sometimes without me even realizing.

I now know that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to grow as a person. I do believe that depression is a silent killer and to stay this way forever, well, I would rather not be here at all.......I speak as if I can fix it because I have to believe that my life will improve, the alternative is just too overwhelming and scary to even contemplate.  I don't have the energy to keep fighting.... you know how it goes....

I have social phobia...I know we all have a degree of it but I cannot bring myself to go to parties or anywhere where there will be lots of strangers....I ask myself, whats the worst that can happen? Gee, I might even enjoy myself..but I still cannot get myself to go.....

Over the years, the dry reaching has gone except some very rare times when it might creep back for a bit. I am on a very old anti-depressant which has an anti anxiety coagulant in it. I have been taking this for 17 years and until recently it has kept the anxiety and depression pretty much at bay. Now that I am in menopause though, I think my whole chemistry has changed, ie: hormones as well..and perhaps that is why I am having a bigger struggle with the depression at the moment.

Today has been a good day though....and now my favourite part of the day has come...  bed time.

I will leave it here for now.



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