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im just tired... and i dont mind giving up

its really nice that all of you are thinking of me

it makes me feel loved even if briefly

you will never be me

how can you understand that this is really

the only way i can handle my life

at the very least at least i wont be a bother to anyone

at the most i controlled it

 

here's my normal day

i get up before 6 am

i dread taking a bath while others are still there

i think they think of me as smelly and ugly (i cant help it)

so i wait

half hour goes

i began to stress out that ill be late for school

so when i take a bath, i make it fast...

eat breakfast change

before going out i think of how i look

and how others will see me (i stress some more)

at the street, at the gasoline station

at the jeepneys

when i reach school

i dont pull out my cellphone, because its not iphone

i just do my plates (projects)

i laugh at their jokes, i make myself normal

their average age is 19 mostly just finished high school

they're rich... im not (i thought id be)

 

when i eat lunch or talk to them

its always what should i be doing right

how should i act

did they notice this or that

 

when i used to work

my thoughts were

why was i so stupid at my previous job

i can do better here

which i know i did

but then it starts again

i hate every one

they seem to talk about me

was that joke abt me,

did i do the job as good as it shld be

why did my boss say that?

was i mean

did i offended them

then finally....

i cant take it anymore (i resign)

 

when im at pangasinan

same thing goes

was i a good sister

did i do that correctly

im such a loser, i cant do anything right (is always in my mind)

 

do you want to know what books i've read

"how to stop worrying and start living"

'procrastinators guide to the job hunt"

"daily calm"

PAulo coelho "warrior of the light"

7 habits of highly effective people

workbook to the 7 habits of highly effective people

"how to bear fruit'

"think rich get rich"

the list goes on... ever since i got my first salary its always been self help books

maybe this will work (i thought)... every time it never did

i burned most of them

it gave me relief, to watch them go in flames

and mainly i never want anybody to see them

because i feel sorry for me

so when i said im giving up

its not because its something easy

its because believe it or not

its logical for me

its rational for me

 

 

 

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