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My first blog, I know it's all over the place, sorry so is my mind

The struggle.

I'm writing this hoping someone reads it and takes something away from it, I also hope writing all this out will help me also.  I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember.  I've always known I wasn't "normal" or anywhere close to what other people considered normal.  Until I got older I never noticed all the other horrible emotions that come along with depression it's not just about sadness, it's about living a life that is full of guilt, regret, selfishness, and self hatred.  When I was about 7 I started noticing that I felt like I could just lay and cry for hours,  I noticed this feeling of hurt inside of me even when nothing was wrong, not in trouble with parents or brothers , nothing. Just a feeling of dark sadness, to feel this way at such a young age is horrifying ,  especially when you know it's not normal .  I didn't really have anyone to talk to,  both of my parents worked and my brothers were older, and I was just kind of alone all the time.  When I I was growing up I don't think I ever realized how lonely I really was, or how sad I would continue to be forever.  The things I think about the most is how much it must suck to be around a person like me, so selfish, always insisting that my sadness is worse than everyone else's, and that my feelings must matter more because I'm the one crying all the time , right ?! I MUST BE HURTING MORE THAN YOU, IM THE SADDEST !ME! Until you make me feel worthy then I will continue to be horrible and cry, PLEASE relieve me of this, make me feel worthy so we can both move on and pretend this never happened. GUILT. is another emotion that is probably close to being as hard to live with as the sadness and emotional isolation that I feel. Every single thing in my life , I at some point felt guilty about t, my family's life is my fault because.... My father never wanting to meet me or never even caring enough to look, or caring enough to even know if I'm alive or dead or even caring if I was tall, short, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, what color hair I have, eyes, skin, these are all things I wonder about him so why didn't he even care slightly enough to send an email, a letter, one phone call on one birthday or one Christmas.  Was having me for a daughter such a sin that all you could do was wash your hands of me all together ??? THEN my stupid issues of attachment , my constant fear that the people closest to me will also see what a worthless sub human I am, and leave, go away and never turn back to ever see what happened to me, to write me off like I never even existed.  Then the HATRED comes out,  that mostly only displays selfishness why would they do this to ME, how could this happen to ME, why couldn't you just love ME. Why can't I just love me.  I want my own love more than anyone else's,  and I can't get it.  It's non existent , what's there to love,  my body that needs to be worked out, my hair that could be prettier if I knew how, my make up that could look great if I had ever had anyone show me how , my clothes , my apt, my job, could all be better. The only problem is me. ME.  Even on the best days when I pick myself up , it's inevitable that I will just fall again, and I will keep falling forever , until I'm just down. Until it's just too hard to ever get back up. There so much I'm holding in that I'll never e able to release, mom why didn't you ever teach me how to do my hair or my makeup or how to dress nice or cook, or take care of myself, why didn I become important to you until I was moved away. Now you want to talk to me, NOW. You had 18 years to talk to me, you had 18 years to tell me how pretty I was and that you wanted to have a better relationship with me, and you never did.  Jim (my step dad) we are all fully aware you only stayed for mom,  you told us you hated us,  you hurt the two people who were ever closest to me, neither of you ever asked, or offered or helped,  the lack of encouragement in my childhood haunts me until this day.  There was never a you can , or you will, or you should try. You both have changed a lot since I became an adult,  but I worry now that it's too late,

That we will never have that relationship.  My mom will never be my best friend and I will never feel like daddy's little girl, or protected.  I never felt worthy of your attention , or love.  I'm 24 years old now and all of this is still with me.  I do love both of my parents so much.  I do.  I just wish It could have been different, I wish I would have been encouraged, told that I was plenty good enough.  I'm not sure if any of this stems from depression, I do know it's something that I think about daily . it's something I would not wish on my worst enemy. If you struggle the way Ido, then you understand, and I'm sorry for that, whoever you are, I'm sorry you have to feel this way, you don't deserve it, no one does, but be strong, because it will be okay, maybe we were chosen to be this way, maybe we are special, is t that a better way to think about it?, other than just thinking of how lonely , sad and worthless we feel.  Remember we FEEL this way, that's it, that dosent mean it's who we are! We aren't alone, or worthless. We have so many people around us , people just waiting to be apart of our lives, to help us grow and teach us things we never knew, people we can teach who NEED us, we are needed and wanted.  Yes it may be the last things we feel about ourselves, and the feelings may be fleeting, but they are very real and true, I'm sorry to all of us who have to go through life having these beautiful feelings masked by darkness,  but don't give up, never give up.  Think about how great it feels when we do remember how great and special we are. BECAUSE YOU ARE, we all are. Every person In the world is special and different, depression is a horrendous mental disease and Unless you also struggle with it, you may never know, and that's so amazing, but for us... The people who often feel worthless, sad and full of self hatred, don't judge us, don't treat us as freaks or weirdos , we aren't, we are sad people, but we still feel and know how to give love, it may not be exactly how you do, but we do, and we try.  The world is huge , and it's full of sad and happy people, and we all deserve to be happy and to lead satisfying lives.  I know this was mostly a rant, but to anyone who reads this if you do, thanks.

 

Emarie.

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