So I was in the hospital and it did not help one bit, but it was like a nice break from life which was a great relief. I realized my depression worsens at night and im not if that is from tiredness or what but that is when it gets to its worst. If you have read my earlier posts remember guy J? well we actually had a good talk the other day and I think we are cool, like I think for once we are actual friends. Well atleast that is what I hope... but we are ok for now and I like that. I still think a boyfriend would be good for me but I don't think I'm ready, plus I want there to be some idk "chemistry" between us, i'm not looking for the one, I just want to have some fun. I feel like all my friends are ditching me but I will get through it, I always do. I am ready to be happy. I am ready to not be hurt. To bad what I am ready for won't happen. Oh well, I guess that is life. As always, if anyone has any suggestions for my and either my depression or my anxiety I am always open to new ideas. Or if you have any relationship advice, friends or boyfriends haha your welcome to comment as well. I hope everyone is doing well and as always feel free to comment about anything. I am very good at giving advice, follwing my advice my own advice well not as good at, but I do know what we are suppose to feel and think!

So i have not posted in awhile because i was in the hospital. my friend e told my band teacher and i was totally honest and i got "help" of course the hospital aught me nothing but whatever. i just hope i can one day be happy. and i hope that one day is soon. im tired of living the life i live. i want to be happy, i want to have a boyfriend, i want to have friends, i want to have good academics, i want to not disappoint people, i want so many things and i get none of them. im ready, i have been through hell and back and im ready to be done. im ready to be good. im ready to be happy. im ready.

I am a failure

Sure I know people, but none know know me. I'm essentially alone. And it hurts. I want to die.

I want to die.

I wish I could kill myseld. but everytime i put my head under the water, or put that knife up to my neck, it hurts, it is painful and i am weak and i give up. I am a failure. I want to die.

Guy J made fun of me today, I don't care but that still was not nice. I am rejecting my best friend E for who knows why. I am just a horrible person. I do not deserve to live anymore. I deserve to die. I want to. I'm all alone, and all I do is feel crappy about myself. Why can't i be happy? Why can't I for once think positively? I just want to have hope... to be happy... but I can't because I am a horrible monster. I deserve to be punished. I deserve nothing. I deserve to be alone. :'( I need to realize that feelings are only hurtful and that I need to stop having emotions or feelings. I need to let go of me. I just need to let go of me. Me. Me that hated person. Everyone including myself hates me.

I am done.... Done with it all

so i havent posted in a while cause i have been kinda busy. well im not doing great but im not doing to bad either. I have been digging my nails into my skin when i get mad and it hurts which is what i want i guess, but i know it's bad. I just want to be happy. I am happier than usual though because I have a dance to go to on saturday, and I learned that this guy likes me. I don't like him, but to know that someone likes me is nice i guess, maybe im just superficial or something i don't know. I know i suck and that i am far from perfect, but its nice to know peole like me i guess. I just want to like myself and like someone who likes me back in a romantic way maybe. I know i am only 17 and all and it will come one day but still.... i am going to be dead soon anyway so i guess we will see.

So I have been sad a lot lately, and i have not been having fun. I was talking to my best friend E and I realized that I am done with life. It has been hard and tiring and it has gone on too long. I decided that I am going to have a month left I have to go somewhere  for a weekend and i am going to end my life there. I have been patient for so long waiting for happiness and I am done waiting. I am so tired of the anguish and the pain of living. I am ready to go, I have had some wonderful times in life but the rest has been really bad and I am ready for it to be over. Living is to hard and painful. And I am just so tired. I know it is horrible to think about and i know it stucks but it is what I want. It is what I must do. I have been thinking about it for such a long time and it makes sense. I thought the feeling would go away but it hasn't. Yes i have a lot to live for and yes people may miss me. However I am too tired of being patient for the happiness to come back. My best friend E will be the one to miss me the most but she has her bf that she is going to marry one day and she will be fine. My family will be sad, but they will not miss me that much. I will be posting up until then but then its all over. I will for once be happy knowing that all the anguish is over. Thanks for the support!