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These past few months....

Ok before you dive into this pit of despair with me, please be forewarned that this little...rant..may be nihilistic, pessimistic and all around generally sad. Like this site. Now I'm wondering why the heck I said that lol. However fate says I should keep my depressing disclaimer. On to my rambling. I can't seem to place meaning on anything. My mentality is essentially drained, and a blank fucking canvas daily. Acquiring a highschool diploma, new apartment, and new hobbies no longer seem important...or worth it? The worst part is I feel I'm failing the only person I'm continuing on for. He paralells, mirrors relates so well, and helps me remember myself. I met him when I was dead inside, but the small part of me that felt alive spoke volumes to my heart. I hated meeting him now and not before when I was “better”. I hate the thought of losing him. Yeeees I know this is freakin generalized, but what can I say? Depression doesn't exactly get my creative juices flowing xD So...here I am. I cut my wrist yesterday, establishing the first ever scar on my arm. I promised myself after damaging my thigh, I'd leave my wrists untouched, pure, beautiful. I'm scared I'll decorate them with pain like my leg and hate myself more. Lame....I'm full of it lol. Maybe this all sounds like familiar bullshit, but it's just....the truth. And the truth can be common, and it definitely hurts~

Wake up.

Heeeelloo guys! Alright, so fIrst off...Happy New Year ;p! I'm still trying to convince myself it's 2016...feels so much like just another week! I didn't exactly kick off the beginning of it in a great way. Unfortunately, I became very ill on Ny's Eve, and have been ever since. I've basically been sitting around a hopeless, distraught mess. So much changed for me last year, I moved, adopted more pets, got back in touch with old friends......and bam. Fever, chills, the works. Then I started thinking I had run out of reasons to live, ordered a brand new knife off the internet, became more depressed... literally setting myself on a one way trip back to square 1. Then, I looked in the mirror and questioned it all. I realized I was throwing away all my progress. I hated that, I knew if I kept it up, I wouldn't be alive for 2017. So.......I told myself not to give up. I sent back the knife, and took a deep breath. And just like that...decided to start over. I decided I wanted a fresh start. For myself, and all of you. Here we are with a brand new fresh start. Leeeet's not waste it! So here are some random things we could do. Here goes! ;P Firstly, make a vision board. Yes, YOU. Get up, and make a board displaying all the goals you want to complete this year. Find reasons, passions. Life without passion IS survival, nothing more. Get excited, get creative. Every day of this New Year is yours. It is NOT just another day. It is a beginning. You want to play an instrument, create a business, meet new people, explore the world? Go for it! If you're cheap like me, know that books are underrated. Rent some and teach yourself something new. Buying a nature book or foreign language book can teach you SO much! And if you want to reinvent yourself, try out a new look. Lastly, make a book labeled “2016” and write/paste pics in it throughout the year. Then, open it on New Years Eve, and look back on what you accomplished. You won't regret it! Motivate, learn, develop new skills and interest. Exhaust time by stuffing as much happiness inside it as possible. What are you waiting for? Wake up already!  ;)

Isolated Teen

We all know how it feels to be forgotten, used, lost. I feel like, I'm at this point where I just want..to be kind of left alone, so that I can figure out who I am and build upon that. My trust level kind of went down to zero ages ago and... I can't draw a line between who's artificial and who's the real deal ;P. Gets pretty messy. It's pretty disastrous honestly, I can't decide who to believe. Everyone speaks of love like they know what it is. Hallmark, Disney. Serioulsy these people are trying to sell us their idea of love. Books, films seem so wise to it. ~sigh~ I've been told I was loved, many times. But it doesn't mean a thing, none of them that said it are still around. My parents say they would never separate because of us kids. Like we're the glue to a project that would otherwise fail. Is that love? My neighborhood looks like a film directed by Tim Burton. Pasty, drab, bleak. I walk around it trying to find Frankenweenie or Corpse Bride. I've walked many places, trying to find something or someone I could go on for. There's just zero substance to the people, and I have no interest in the material things. Teens use clothing, cellphones, video games as fuel to make it past this dreaded stage of life. I'm figuring out why adults are such self centered jerks. Well, many. They look down on us, reject our ideas. Others idolize us, try to please us, be like us. They've found out just how unsatisfying life can be. Their first love, first job, they want to rewind and go back to those feelings. You can't have anything just as fulfilling twice perhaps? I'm supposedly part of the future...but all I see is a used, hurting, possibly ending world. I have a plan, and I'm determined to not be useless, especially in these times. But I'm still empty. No one I've met seems to have an answer. So, what now?   ~Isolated Teen

The return....of......ME. Eheh. ;P Hallo~

Hallo lovely peeps! I know...it's been literally ages, but our faithful “friend” Depression, has aided me in finding my way back. Yerp. Tada ;L. So, obviously I'm not Little Miss Sunshine currently, but I'll attempt to make this cheery. God I'm drawing such a blank.....O-o. The fact I'm living in a glorified cardboard box, and that it's pouring rain outside, could I guess have something to do with my dreary mood..... or the ten million other things going wrong in my life right now xD. However, I won't bore you with the complete list....(crumples and tosses away list) AHEM ;DD anyway, I recently found an interesting quote.....gah...I'm so dull ;p. Twas from the book/film The Fault in Our Stars, and struck me as interesting. When Hazel mentioned she was saving her '10' on the pain scale. The moment in your life when you experience the deepest sense of pain you've ever felt, I suppose she meant. I'm such a weakling every time I feel pain, it blast at full throttle and feels off the chart. [closes closet door with 'loser' tshirts inside] I'm pretty sure my name is mentioned somewhere in the dictionary under lame, weak, pathetic etcetera. Definitely. Anyhoo, in my mind, Pain is like a megaphone, hailing your attention until you get so sick and tired of it, your body shuts down simply to defend itself, and becomes Numb. That...is why I'm here. I don't want to go through the cycle of cutting, scarring, and giving up...all over again. So I turned back to this....my "crutch”. Aka, the internet xD. Anyone relate? ;p Mmk. That sums it up, ohh and email me wheneva at [[email protected]] I swear I'll be on the lookout for comments/emails!!! ;D ‹3 ~Em~

I'm back!! ;D in a way......

Hallo! It's honestly been way too long since I last posted. Probably the cause was lack of inspiration...or the thought that my life is more boring than a college lecture. Ha, the first ironically was the effect. And I stated it as the cause......yep I'm dull. Well I spose now would be an ok time to type. Since everything is kinda depressing and that's basically the point. So, recently my favorite past time has been spacing out. No thoughts, daydreams, just plain zonked staring endlessly at a wall. Or you know whatever so happens to be in view. I always thought,of myself as a hopeless zombie, but now even if I want to get up I feel glued down. Maybe depression is finally becoming real to me.....or my mental space is blank and I'm turning into a vegetable. Yeah both of those are pretty bleak....;P. A few months ago I had one shred of hope. And my self respect was hanging by a thread. Now, that shred is microscopic and the thread has snapped. Ha....I've come so far.....farther  and farther away from myself. It's like I'm in a car/plane/anything that moves fast, looking back at myself going 90 mph. Gah and this headache....I used to stay up late nights regretting everything. Now I don't even care. About....anything. If I'm here tomorrow or not. I used to look down on "brainless" girls who are desperate for attention. I was above that. Now I feel 10,000 leagues below it. I just...don't want to think or care. I'm terrified, or want to be. If you haven't stopped reading by now, get ready to.  Thanks if you haven't. Maybe someone really does read these. ~Emily

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