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This isn't fair

Hi veryone;

I'm new on here.....and I'm here because I want to go to any length to get relief from this funk.

I hope to share and to learn what you do to get relief from this grey cloud.I'm on meds and see a doctor plus I attend AA.

If you know some of things that trigger these depressions...I would like your feed back.....how long they lasted .....and are they repetive for you???

I'm doing everything I know to keep the negative thoughts rolling,because they are not completely true.I try to pretend that I'm happy even though on the inside I'm ready to throw up.

I retired just a few years ago....and don't seem to be doing to bad when working a contract....but I can't seem to relax without all the horrors of the past and speculation of the pain still to come,doing circuits in my subconscious.

I'm vey disappointed in myself for using alcohol to cope ....when all it did is to keep me fogged and not seeing the things I needed to be successful.

My tag says ..'empty horse'...because I was a go getter and now in retirement I feel like I have missed the boat....I'm nervous and want to isolate.Even the smallest task rises up like a fearful monster...and my reaction is totally out of character.

I'm like a Jeckel and Hide ....when I'm depresssed I'm mild and mello.....when I come back to normal...I become agressive and arrogant again.I have to find some middle ground as I feel these depressions are thrown at me to make me a better person.

I pray and mediate. I ask forgiveness to all thoes I have wronged with my selfish using of other women and co-workers. i was unfaithful to my ex and pretty hard on guys at work.....i didn't mean to ...I was just out of control.

So now I'm sick sober and sorry......did I mention depressed.

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