there is no where left for me to go. no more excuses, no more dreams, no more trying only to fail a million times. depression I am beyond,  depression is a state of being that can be medicaTED  and treated. Defeated,done,wasted,used up, and have broken every rule that makes me unique, liked, loved, wanted, needed, useful, helpful, caring, ect. I am nothing. Literally I know every person in my life would be better off without me. I can name that person, and list more than one way they wouild have a better life without me. I do not want to feel sorry for myself but really its too damn hard to not to sometimes. I know there are people in  this world in adverse situations, who given the chance to have  my  life from beginning to now would never mess it up. They would never be so selfish and mean and evil as I have been. Somehow I really screwed up, and there is no fixing. with out revealiong myself I wil try to explain my helplessness and hoplessness. Im almost to middle age I never thought that would be, I have 2 children with different dads and another on the way. I am married, I do not work. I am a felon for drugs that i was addicted to for 10 years, now I do not do those drugs but I am on methadone for the past  8 years I cant break free from. like I said I am pregnant iam smoking, every bad thing in my life is a secret from everyone. I have no friends. I have in the past, but for the past 9 years nada one. I found they use me, and thats the extent of the friendship so i choose to be anti social. I am a bad mom I do not hurt my children physically, but i am always so sick and tired they dont get the love or attention they need. I am a failure. a lazy lying selfish failure. I promise I have tried. I have hoped. I have had plans. but I always end up getting hurt by the good I am trying to do, or I sabotage myself, or it just dosnt work out. I mean theres feeling sorry for your self and then theres shit that just happens so much you cant help but be caught up in loathing yourself. There are too many mistakes, too many mean or bad things I have done, too many bad things I am to recover or fix, and I wish not to go into the details. but typing this out has shifted the insanity away if only for a moment, god I cant go on this way! but ive been doen suicide road when I was younger and I knew id never go there again. what am i to do?