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Today

I'm hiding in my room. I can hear my family laughing. My husband and son thumping down the hall like a elephants. I want to smile, but I can't. I have major depression, PTSD, AND borderline personality disorder and right now my meds don't seem to be working. All I want to do is sleep and cry. I don't want to talk about any of this. Parts of me are slipping away and I can't seem to stop it from happening. I think things like "would they be better off without me", not killing myself, I'm too selfish for that. They diserve so much better than this! I have a beautiful daughter a worderful son and a fantastic husband and they disserve so much more than what I give them. Part of my problem is genetic, the other part is due to mental and physical abuse from my biological mother and grandmother and uncle. It started when my brother was born, I was five and she finally got the boy she had always wanted. My mother suffered from "bi-polar disorder" or "manic depressive" not sure what the called it back then. Oh I was born in 73. She was not treated at anytime during my childhood. Sometimes she was so wonderful, when she was up ,but when she was down it was a nightmare. I wouldn't let her hit my brother, he was so little and he didn't understand and I didn't want hime to have to understand. He had a great childhood, sometimes as much as I love him ,I hate him. No one is ever going to read this. Everything was going fine until the middle of March. I found out what my bonus was going to be on Sunday and on Monday my huband got fired from a job that he had had for five years ! " It's just not working out" the tell him and then they tell all his customers he quit. If you knew my husband you would understand the travisty of this situation. He's the hardest working man I know, he's educated, and he is a devoted company man, he's never late, he never calls out, he worked anytime the asked him to on the weekends. Hell he even worked Christmas day one year, it took them two years to finally pay him for that. He's always early, he's friendly and always smiling, he worked at least nine hours a day most without lunch and they auto docked him an hour every day. If he worked overtime he was forced to take a day off without pay so they didn't have to pay him overtime. I'm working part-time and I was working all the hours I could get, up to forty, but the we had some major corporate cutbacks and they cut my hours in half, me being part time and all. We have a six hudred dollar a month house payment. Thank God my van and his truck are payed for, we had them appraised my van is worth three hundred dollars and his truck is worth twelve hundred. lol. We were finally going to be able to take the kids to the beach for the weekend this year, that's so not happening now. He goes to orientation Monday morning at six and then I think he's going to work third shift that night, then he has an interview for another job on Tuesday. Out of work, no work available! Got a job, everyone wants to hire you! WTF is up with that??? I had to go get EBT and medicaid for the kids. He was the one who had insurance.

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