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Scrambled Thoughts

06/23/10

Permalink 06:34:17 pm, by falling.to.earth Email , 292 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: falling_to_earth

Scrambled Thoughts

I spent most of yesterday planning this blog.

Is that odd? I'm not sure. But even so, I thought about it, pondered what I was going to say for hours because finally I had an audience for my words. And I do. And I have so much to say. But when I sat down at the computer today, ready to articulate my feelings, my mind was a blank. I couldn't find the words. It was like someone had put all my thoughts in a blender, and now they're all scrambled together. Just a mass of words and phrases, unintelligable to anyone else.

So I think I'll just write what I feel, anything that comes to mind.

I think that because I've been hurt so much by friends and those close to me, that I find a certain pleasure in causing them pain. It sounds horrible, but it's true. It makes me feel better, knowing that someone else hurts when I hurt, that someone else cries when I cry. That someone else cares about me, even when I don't care about myself. That someone needs me as much as I need them.

It's horrible, the way I look at myself. I've been told that I'm pretty, gorgeous even. But all I see in the mirror is an ugly, obsessive freak. A parasite per se. I look in the mirror and I hate myself. I wonder how anyone could possibly love me. I need to be loved by others, but even I can't love myself. I hate my body, I hate my personality, I hate me. I hate this.

I have to go for now, but here's to hoping I'll be able to pull myself together for my next post. Grrr.

 

 

 

3 comments

Comment from: Mrs H [Member] Email
Retaliation of hurt is really common, my friend. I went through a very angry period not too long ago, and it took someone else pointing it out to make me realize that I was doing. So I stopped... I have to tell you that I feel a million times better. Being hurt by others is not easy. Seeking revenge and wanting those who hurt us to be hurt as well is a very normal, common feeling. I have to tell you from experience though, letting go of the anger and being true to the person that YOU are is the best feeling in the world. Sure, I get stepped on sometimes, and there are plenty of times that I am not treated the way I treat others, but inside, I feel like MYSELF again and that makes me happy.

Just... "To thine own self be true." And if you feel like this angry and sad person is you, I URGE you to find the root of why you feel this way and work on it. Either by yourself, with friends and family or with a therapist. I'm beginning theray in a couple of weeks. I promise you that once you discover who you really are inside? No matter how others treat you, you will feel better. Thanks for sharing. :-)
06/25/10 @ 14:19
Comment from: ANA MARIA SAAD [Visitor] Email · http://www.pensamentosfilmados.com.br
Is sex a taboo? We don´t know, but Depression certainly is. And that´s why we are talking about it, Only those who have been through it know what it is like, and those that can be supportive many times have no clue how to deal with it.
So we made a short film called L.I.F.E., awarded in some film festivals, that portraits a full time mother and lawyer who has suffered from depression for many years and that has led her to start a support group for depression sufferers that meet regularly. You can watch it for free on the internet!
Why to talk about the invisible illnesses? Because I´ve been dealing with depression my whole life. I am 29 now and I´ve been suffering from depression since I was 8 years, I tried to commit suicide twice at the age of 18 and planned on taking my life several times.
Making the film helped me to accept the disease and dedicating a section at my website to talk about it makes me feel better.
Be our guest! There you can get information about depression, bipolar disorder, panic disorder, cyclothymia and dysthymia, besides I point out a lot of treatment options and share my own experience.
Come and share yours! Your life matter a lot to us! Let´s gather strength by sharing and being comforted by listening and learning new ways out of depression!
www.pensamentosfilmados.com.br
And I am really really sorry about my English but it´s a bit rusty! I am Brazilian!
Brazilian hugs from Ana Maria Saad and keep on talking about such delicate and taboo matter!
Thanks!
09/11/10 @ 12:00
Comment from: invisible girl [Member] Email
Hey Falling_To_Earth.
I know how your feeling, i look in the mirror and see nothing but ugliness and an unlovable person. I hate my body and i've cut back on eating to see it if will make a difference. I've hurt myself because people and myself make me feel unworthy and ugly.
I hate knowing that people are happy right now while i am living in hell and i wish that i could have the strength to end it in one way or another.
I hate it when people say to me your so pretty, or your beautiful. I don't want people to say it if they don't mean it, i mean why should they tell me lies ? I find it cruel.
I wrote this comment to you because i wanted you to know that, your not alone. I know that's no consolation to you, and that you hear this sometimes. I think that myself sometimes. But just know that i feel how you feel and that if you need someone to talk to then you can talk to me. Or if not then just check my blogs. Or if you can't be bothered then just read this comment.
At least you will know from this comment that even though it feels like it, and even though people who feel like you are far away. Your not alone.

Invisible Girl.
10/23/11 @ 11:57

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