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need a moan

September 14th, 2010

yeah i do feel crap, this is my first blog.

i m 39 and have suffered from depression from i was 18, i should get used to this illness by now but as u all know when it wraps itself round u its like the first time all over again. i m on prozac and dont see the benefit other than i m not acutely suicidal, i have zero sex drive and still feel depressed out of my brain.   i am sick of it and im sick of being sick of it.  i ve spent my life running away from it, covering it up, pretending i dont have it even to myself and then messing up everything because of it.  i have always managed to avoid committments, all my relationships were a means to an end, hoping someone would bail me out of my life cause i couldn do it for myself and then when they finally cop on they move on and its me alone again with my depression, the only bloody constant in my life.  i have just qualified as a nurse, another attempt to 'do' something with myself and now just dread the thought of working as one, the holding down of a job that everyone manages makes me feel trapped and sick just thinking about it.  its not that i dont want to be occupied, i just cant stand not being in control and being restricted to the structure of work.  i am bored with everything except my dog.  he manages to break through the pain but then i feel worse for not being able to play with him properly and  he reads my moods so well. i have a boyfriend who i live with for the last three years.  he supported me through my study and now is looking forward to me getting a proper job and contributing financially.  i cant tell him how sick i feel about the prospect of working as a nurse or anything for that matter.  everyday i make different excuses as to why i haven applied for a job yet and he is running out of patience.  i feel it would be easier to leave him and just be on my own in a rat hole as long as he is not pressuring me.  i know getting a job would probably be the best thing for me but i feel that its the worst.  i feel that my true colours are going to show and he will get sick of me and move on.  sometimes i just want to collapse in a heap and let the roof fall down on top of me.  why is it so hard, why does all the day to day stuff make me feel like i m on a never ending assault course.  i wish this would lift but it wont be long til the next time.  best predictor of your future is your past and mine sucks.  the great bore of it all.  i look at a friend of mine who is unaware of my depression, she is vibrant, fun, energetic and falls in love at whim and consumed with the passion of it all.  people say she is crazy, maybe she is, but i envy her vibrance, her ability to dream and stay interested.  all i have is a bland, parched view of everything and that to me is why depression is the most god awful illness, it reduces you to nothing more than a stalking ghost.

anyway , feel a bit better for writing this, prob wont write again for a while, because the sheer effort of turning on the laptop is too much.


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