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My Thoughts Before Bed

So I have been taking my pills on a regular basis. I set an alarm on my phone to go off and I feel like it's yelling at me to do it. It has definitely worked because today is day 8!  The headaches went away after a few days, I stuck it out like you guys suggested. However I'm still having trouble falling asleep, too many thoughts are flowing through my head. Since all of these things are flowing I thought I would just write them out, maybe it will help me to sleep?  I tend to have random thoughts so I apologize if my writing jumps around, as I'm sure it will.

I'm starting to wonder if depression is hereditary. My mother has been fighting bouts of it for many years, my dad had a short bout of depression, and my brother is struggling with it now.  I also found out today from my mom that all of her four sisters have had or now have depression as well.

As a teenager I worked at Dairy Queen with a lot of other teenage girls. Through the years that I worked there I got to know my coworkers and began to realize a pattern, almost everyone had problems. There were girls with depression, eating disorders, and some were doing self harm. I worked there for 6 years but finally had to get out of there because I didn't want to be around all of that negativity.  I think that I may have picked up some bad habits from them though... I never cut myself, but when I was the lowest I had been, I began to pinch my arms. A couple of times I actually did it so much that I made myself bleed. I don't for the life of me know why I did it, I guess it helped to ease the emotional pain that I was going through. It got my mind off of it, but looking back, it was so stupid. In those situations I was basically having a panic attack. I was hyperventilating, shaking, and crying so much that nothing could stop me.  Wow, I've never told anyone about this, but it's good just to get it off my chest.

I feel like I don't have a reason to be depressed. I have a wonderful family, a fantastic boyfriend (who doesn't really believe in depression, but realizes that the medication does help me)... but really that's all I have.

But then there are the things that get me down. I've been out of school for 2 years now and still don't have a job. I blame that on 1. the economy right now and 2. Ontario... getting into a teaching job in Ontario is extremely difficult.  But this starts to make me think what is wrong with me, why am I not good enough to even get an interview in two years. Because of this I've had to move back in with my parents. I'm 24 and I live with mom and dad. I hate it...

I don't have any real friends anymore. I went to school 16 hours away from home, my high school friends went away to school as well and have now moved away. The friends that I still keep in touch with I find a way to push them away. They want to go out, but I never feel in the mood to go anywhere.  I told my best friend a huge secret and that pushed her away and she barely talks to me anymore. The friends I met in University are out exploring the world, living their lives. I have drifted away from them. I just don't know where to meet new people. I'm shy and have poor self esteem , I don't know how to meet people.

I guess that is enough of a rant for tonight. Heres hoping I can fall asleep for once!

Hello World

So this is my first time blogging about my life.. I don't really know where to start.

I first admitted to myself that I was depressed 2 years ago. I had been talking to my mom and as soon as the question "Are you ok?" comes up, I would begin to cry. So when I called my doc and balled on the phone to the receptionist I really realised I was depressed.

I started to use Celexa, used it for a while but then I realised that I still wasn't back to my 'normal' self.  I decided for some reason just to stop using the pills. Perhaps thinking that I don't really need them. I don't truly know, and I still don't.

I finally gave in, went back to the doc and got switched onto Cipralex. Apparently it's more effective and has fewer side effects.  I used it for a few months and felt a lot better... so I stopped taking them. I went through some symptoms of withdrawal. Mainly feeling like I was 'not there.'  After a few days that went away and I felt ok.  It has been a few months now that I have not been taking them. I've realised that depression never goes away.... I'm having down days and finally gave in and decided I need to use my pills again.

Today is the 3rd day back on the pills.  I have had headaches the past two days and have not been sleeping well. I am wondering if it is because my body is getting used to the medication again, or if it is just coincidence.

This time I am going to continue using my pills.  I want to get better... I hate always feeling alone even when I'm in a room full of people. I hope a day will come that I won't need these pills anymore.

 

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