I’ve told myself for years, “I’m not depressed, it’s normal to feel bad most of the time.” It’s not normal and I am depressed. I couldn’t tell you exactly when I lost myself but I imagine it was sometime in middle school.  The only reason why it didn’t hit me earlier is because I still had my innocence and still thought everything was ay okay.  My mother was a full blown alcoholic for ten years, from the time I was five until I was fifteen.  She tried to hide it but I would always find her stash and I wouldn’t dare say anything. I would get in the car with her even though I knew she was completely wasted. My own mother displayed behavior that was so dangerous to my mental state that it kind of surprises me that I’m not more messed up than I am.  Maybe I am more messed up than I realize but I think I’ve accustomed myself in dealing with this type of illness so that I still have a narrow view of the future.  It consumes half of my conscious life in terms of being able to remember things so it’s been long enough for me to push it aside sometimes but it’s still there.  It’ll always be there but I’ll be much better at handling it during the days to come.  I’ve seen some of the scariest things a young child can possibly imagine.  Her drunken image is burned into my memory and it’s something I can’t forget and quite frankly I don’t want to forget it.  I don’t want that to happen to me so I’d rather keep what I’ve soaked up to keep myself in check.  I’m aware that my trigger level for alcoholism is lower than a lot of people’s and I’m also aware that it wouldn’t take much longer for me to get there.  In the past I’ve turned to alcohol, marijuana, and nicotine to treat my depressive thoughts but over time they only made them worse.  It’s like shaking up a soda and putting your hand over the top until the soda is forced to leak out or it creates enough pressure to where your hand can’t stay on and it explodes everywhere.  So what should I do?  Well for starters I think removing certain behaviors could be the start for a solid turnaround.  So from now on no alcohol or anything that can alter my state of mind.  I’ll try to tackle caffeine later on ;).  What else can I do?  Choosing the right people to be around is imperative when trying to change your ways.  Exercising and focusing on my overall health is also something I could work towards.  And I will.

I did have a great person in my life that helped fix me.   A person who I looked at as someone I wanted to be like.  A person I’ve known for ten years that has heard me talk about these things and that has seen me display similar behaviors which I was forced to experience so young.  I loved her and I hurt her.  I showed her my strengths and my weaknesses.  The day after I got a DUI at the age of 20, I called her.  I felt safe with her.  She was my peace of mind in the darkness that I have been lost in for as long as I can remember.  I tried so hard to change for her but obviously I’m just now letting go of everything that’s been holding me back.  The question I ask myself is what do I have left after I make all the healthy changes. She fell in love with me before and even during the times I acted out of character so maybe I can get myself back and let her see who she hasn’t seen in so many years.  The chains are off.  I’m jumping on the sobriety train, taking my luggage, and leaving most of the baggage behind.  Perhaps I’ll visit that baggage every now and then to keep myself focused on what’s important and what’s real.  Where I’m headed is a question I continue to ask myself.  I’m not sure what I want to do with my life.  I’ve thought about working in counseling or substance abuse but one cannot do so if they are abusing substances and one cannot help others if they can’t help themselves. This is me helping myself.  I’m done living life this way.  I can see happiness. I can even smell it. But I can’t feel it.  So one day at a time I will continue to work on myself.  I’ll get there one day.