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Just a little more inside the life of me

November 27th, 2014
So, I guess you could say I'm doing better, I haven't cut in about a week or so. I still feel like cutting all the time though. My boyfriend he likes to make sure I'm doing well and he talks me through a lot of it but I like the "pain" I get with it. I like looking at the blood. I like it all but I cant just do it for fun. Whenever I do it for fun my boyfriend always needs a reason sometimes there isn't one and whenever I've told him there's no reason he gets so upset and I cant do that to him. Plus the fact I have to hide it from my family, they think I've been doing so well but if they see it it'll break them again and the arguing will start again. This semester of school has been ok the only problem is me first period class, my teacher is such a bully i actually wanna kill myself, my friend rarely shows because that class is so bad. He puts us down for everything wrong we do and goes on a giant rant about how we are making problems for ourselvs and that we should stop being lazy and selfish and blame ourselves for not being good in school. Our normal class test average is 95% this previous test 30% of the class failed and the rest got 60% same with his other math ten class and they usually get higher marks as well. He is part of the problem and instead of admitting he is part of the problem he blames us and basically calls us idiots. I wanna shoot myself in the face and all the time through that class I wanna go to the bathroom and cut so fucking deep I dont wake up i find myself bored and daydreaming about killing myself and cutting. Basically hes an asshole. -Frances

The Beginning

September 29th, 2014
The first time I cut I was in grade 8. It really didn't mean anything. Others had done it so I wanted to try. I had watched videos about it and EVERY SINGLE ONE said I wouldn't be able to control it. I thought I was different, special, that I'd be the one girl to control it but I couldn't, god I was stupid. So it went into grade 9, I kept cutting getting deeper and deeper until the middle of the year I went to the doctor and blah blah blah, basically I was diagnosed with social anxiety and generalized anxiety so now I'm on medication for it all. In grade 8 I had the worst friends they always put me down and made me feel like crap and since I have found new friends I've been feeling so much better I used to not see myself living past grade 9 but now I can see myself graduating. I'd like to call that progress but things could change. I hope they don't. I love my life right now, even if I always think of killing myself. I can restrain myself from doing it. I don't want to hurt the ones I love and leave them. -F.T

 

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