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17
Aug

Everything that I wanted to happen, happened... But the Anxiety and Depression are still here.

For Months I have been looking for a job. And months I have had no luck, now two weeks before college starts and my last chance to room with my highschool friends before its too late and luck would have it I get a job on my first interview.

Everything I wanted happened, I got a job in time to move in with friends and get out of my parents house before they lead me to suicide... Unfortunately I am only half joking. I'll finally have the freedom and independence I have wanted for months. But its not that easy and I know it. I tried working full time depressed, it was fine at first, but it started beating me down. The 9-5 hussle every goddamn day eventually beat me down. I had to quit my job, leave the town I was living in and worst of all leave the life that I had build for 3 years.

Now I have a new start not even 5 months since my collapse. I should be grateful but it scares the shit out of me. I am not sure if I can go from broken, depressed individual to functional adult in just a few days. I am just so goddamn anxious, of the job, of me losing it, not to mention the 1400 I`ll need for first and last rent when I move in, in a few days. 1400 I don`t have. I`ll have to borrow most of it, maybe even sell my precious possiesions just to have enough money to get out of my parents house. Living with parents doesn`t sound like a big deal, but my parents were making my depression so much worse, and if I didn`t get out now I was going to be in a bad place.

I guess thats a big reason for the anxiety. I was stuck between a rock and hard place and I chose a path that wouldn`t kill me but for some reason it feels as if I was sent to a trap. The money is stressing me out, the job is making me quesy, and I know how I get after a few weeks of working full time depressed, and getting that feeling again scares the shit out of me. Even if everything works out fine and 1400 dollars drops out of the sky as if it was a gift from god, and if the job is easy and manageble even if I have to work 5 or 6 nights a week, I won`t see a drop of that cash in the earliest a month and a half. Which wouldn`t be horrible if I wasn`t selling the things I love just for a goddamn rough over my head and a job that may make my depression worse.

The debt is crippling, and the anxiety is crippling, and all I feel I have left is tongiht, before the gates of my depression and anxiety break open. And even with this reprieve, I can`t find anyone to sell me 1 gram of pot. I just want to smoke and not feel anxious for one more night before it starts, but it won`t work like that, and now it may be a month before I get that relaxing buzz. I know even reading back on this, that most if not all that I have written is anxiety filled stress and that more then likely moving out of my parents house and this new job will work out fine and that in a few weeks I will be better than I am today. But it doesn`t feel like that. It feels like some drill seargant is yelling at me: ``Tomorrow morning you have to be a functioning adult, you have no choice!``... I may have no choice but I know I am not that functioning adult. I am a broken depressed, anxiety filled human who is trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life, and the reconstruction seem so scary and hard. I just wish i didn`t have to like this anymore.

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27
May

Fat and Comfortable

As I sit here alone in the dark, half buzzed. I feel good. And it is so nice to say that for a change. But I have grown fat and comfortable. and not just methaporically. I am living at my parents having failed university and quitting my full time job waiting for college to start in the fall, and I am unemployed. That has left me to gain weight, and waste my days reading, drawing, playing video games, watching movies, hanging with friends, etc. And its all felt like a vacation, a very poor one mind you.

If I look at my life objectively, it just fucking sucks. I spent three years at school to fail, and now people keep telling me to go back finish my degree, get a high paying job and then do what I want to do. And to be honest logically... there is no way I can argue that, but I can't do that. I'll say it will just be a year or two working but then it will turn to 10 or 15 and then one day when half my life is over I will realize that I am doing something that is not making me happy. And not only school. My life, that i spent 3 years building, social networks, job networks, friends, memories, education, and even a real relationship all gone. Not even a scrap of it remains, not one scholarship dollar, not one friend.

And how can I tell myself to go back? And to go back to that school, to that city.... all I would see is a giant sinkhole where my life use to be. I have not been happy for years, hell I am still depressed now. I know I am, its just a calm before a storm. Happened before, more than once. The only reason I don't break down and cry, and drown myself in booze and drugs is because I am ignoring my life and all its problems. I truly am fat and comfortable.

I know what I want, finally! maybe the first time in my life. But I am to afraid to take the first step of recovery. All i can think about is the numerous times in the past where i felt good, and thought I was beating depression only to fall down hard. And I don't know how I can do that again. And its going to happen. Even best case scenario I get better have the best three years of my life or something. Maybe even longer. However.... eventually something shitty is going to happen and I'll be back at rock bottom for who knows how long.

I don't really know why I am writing.... I guess i am just scared. Really scared, of what is going to happen when its not vacation anymore. Everything my dreams, my wants and desire, they seem so far away. Almost like an mirage of an osasis in the dessert. You see paradise so close and when you get there you lap up the water greedily and happily only to realize you been drinking sand the whole time and that osasis is another 100 miles away.

I may be fat and comfortable for now, but I am also scared.

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21
Apr

Empty

I can't believe. How do I feel so empty already?... I spent a weekend with a friend, my other friends were suppose to come but they bailed. They couldn't make it because well they have their own lives, while I clearly don't. Didn't even want to make the expensive trip to the city because it would be a two man show, and it wouldn't be worth it. I went anyways because I was to depressed to spend another weekend alone.

Was it worth it? YES!!!! Fuck yes!!!.... and No... sigh. I hate the ambiguity of my feelings. It was nice to get of my own head and relax and catch up with a friend, and we didn't spend it sober which is a great plus. But as I said it was just me and him, two people. He invited some friends over... but they didn't come because there weren't enough single guys. So instead of partying it should of just been us two, but no he invited his girlfriend for the weekend as well. Which was fine, I mean she was cool, I got to know her and all. I just kinda felt like a third wheel though. There was even a point when my friend ask for an hour of privacy for obvious reasons heh heh heh ;P. And again great for him, I am happy for him.... as I sat there in his living room alone and half drunk, I was so goddamn angry at him. He was fucking some girl when all I wanted to do was be with a friend who I might not see in months. I was so goddamn jealous of him, he had a relationship and intimacy. He has a life... and I don't. After my jealousy and anger passed I was just empty. I just sat there empty as the hours passed by.

I hated that I felt that anger and jealousy, its petty and unhealthy. However The worst part is when the weekend was over, I was so empty.... My friend came with me to the train station, the whole time we were talking like normal. But it wasn't normal, I felt empty. All I wanted to say "Hey man I feel empty, I am really depressed, and I love you. You are one of my closet friends and I am going to miss you more than you know" but of course I didn't say that,

Now that I am finally home, the emptyness is overwhelming. My thoughts are like daggers viscousily attacking me, all I can think about is my ex-girlfriend, lost friends, people who hurt me and everything else. And all I feel is this emptyness. I heard when you get this feeling of emptyness you are suppose to embrace it, so that you can finally learn to love yourself and be okay with being alone. And I am trying to do that, I am trying not to run away from my feelings but its not helping.

I feel like I am still on that couch feeling empty. My thoughts instead of making me feel better are echoes of other people saying "get over yourself", "your a loser". Worst off is just the faces of the people who I told I was depressed. I remember all the faces that looked disgusted, and if I was leper. All I remember is three years of university where I made a lot of friends and fell in love, only for eveyone to leave you once you lose yourself to depression. All I remember is the hours being alone in my room wanting to hurt or kill myself, just praying one of my so called "friends" to give a helping hand. But it never came. I remember not wanting to lose my girlfriend who I loved and pretending that I didn't care. I think about all my real friends lives, they're girlfriends, they're parties, they're jobs, they're other friends and I feel that same anger and jealousy I felt when I was sitting alone in the dark.

However I don't feel anything, its as if all those feeling mixed together in to some cocktail that feels like nothing... empty. I just want to die,  I am so tired of trying to feel better. and I hate that I can't kill myself. It would hurt my family to much so instead I am stuck.

This depression and emptyiness feels prepetual, and even though I know its just a chemical imbalance, even though I know I will get out of this some day its not enough. Knowledge is no longer enough. I need to feel different. I just can't be empty anymore....

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21
Feb

Just tell me... Am I Bipolar or Depressed?

Well this week has been a week from hell. It started with me not going to work on Monday because I thought it was a holiday and it was a holiday, just not for government employees, which I happen to be one... Then I lied to my boss about it when asked it, she was gone on a business trip but she could literally ask anyone and my lie would be caught. Then on Tuesday I started feeling weird. My skin was/is crawling, my heart beat feels really fast, I feel dizzy and sick. I'm nervous nearly scared but at the same time excited?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? I have no idea and its freaking me out, I feel as if I am someone else. Like on Tuesday I saw a movie, and it was sad I mean really sad and I'm a sucker for sad films so I felt like crying. I got sad and felt the feeling of crying but it felt off as if it was manufactured but somehow authentic at heart. Like I was making myself feel sad when I wasn't but in actuallty I was. This literally sounds insane....

I also just get really pumped up for no reason and get adernaline rushes. And I have suddenly become incredibly impulsive spending hundreds of dollars that I can't/shouldn't be spending. I make rash deceisions like playing hooky at work. I literally just walked out of my desk got on a bus and went home. There was no reason, I wasn't stressed, I wasn't telling myself I couldn't do this, I just got up and walked out the door. Who the hell is that? Its not me I wouldn't do that, but I did.

So I go to the Doctors and they tell me that maybe I have Bi-polar disorder, and that I am feeling a manic stage and that maybe the reason they couldn't tell before was because in the past I couldn't differentiate mania from hapiness. Are you kidding me? Three and a half years ago when I tried to kill myself my shrink thought I was bi-polar. I get through therapy start feeling better and never really get diagnoised or treated. I just felt better and moved on. Two years later after a bunch of ups and downs (normal life stuff right?), I crash, and crash hard. I start cutting myself again, and fantasied about killing myself. Well here we go again, back into therapy! They diagnoised me and said I was just depressed. I told them about my previous shrink thinking I had bi-polar disorder but nope... I was just depressed. So I'm on this one med for a year and a half, but I am really bad at taking it. I would go three or four days taking it and then another two or three without taking it. Did this for about a year because... I'm stupid basically.

However these past two months I have been pretty diligent about taking my meds, I actually want to get better. At first I just noticed more energy and less "grey" days. But all this happened. I feel so fucking strange... I don't know who I am, these feelings aren't mine and everthing feels foreign to me. I feel as if I am on high alert, like an alarm went off inside and my body went on overdrive.

But I can't be Bi-polar they fucking told me I wasn't! I'm depressed and I know what I am fighting and I know how to beat it. I simply refuse to believe that I am Bi-polar. But what if I am? or maybe its just my anxiety and there is no mania? I donno, I just feel really weird and just want it to stop... Or at least know what it is. Seriously can someone just tell me if I am depressed or Bi-polar? Or maybe neither and its all in my head and I belong in a padded cell for the mentally deranged? Hahaha Now I am just being melodramtic lol.

But to be honest the thought of not knowing who I am or what the hell is going on with me is scary. And that thought has been scaring me all week.

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13
Feb

A year of heartbreak, depression and perseverance

As I sit here bored at work I think it is a good as time as any to go over what has happened this past year. This job Junior Advocacy Officer is probably the best and worst job I have ever had. When I'm busy the hours seem to fly by and before I even know it, it's time to leave. But its the mornings and evenings that are killing me. In the morning I'm exhausted thoughts of suicide, quitting, "I can't do this" run through my head. I get anxious to the point of literal fear,  and its horrible. I spend the trip to work counting the hours and days until I either get home or its Friday. I feel overwhelmed but by the time I get back to work it's a brisk busy day or an easy slow day with nothing to do. Either way the day ends. I feel relived and when I get home I loosen my tie and start to relax. This is the best moment of the day. But soon that feeling passes and now I get anxious again realizing that before the day even started its already over and I feel as if I did nothing I actually wanted to do. This is really hard I don't know how I can keep going. I guess I don't really have a choice though. Life isn't about doing what you want... that's probably been the hardest lesson I have had to learn.

In other news I have lost most if not all my friends here in the city, mostly because I am an anti-social pot smoking stoner. I don't think I was always this way, in fact I can remember on March 26th 2013 I had been pot free for three whole weeks, optimistic, in therapy and honestly thought things were turning around. I remember the day clearly because my midterms were over and I got myself something really special as a reward. After that day Xaria came into my life, she had been staying with my roommates and I for a few weeks at a time n and was now going to stay for about 3 months. She was this gorgeous 25 year old sister to my former best friend Mat. I started to talk to her and after St. Patty's Day we became good friends.

To this day I have never met anyone like her. I have never met anyone who I could open up to so qucikly too, she was so easy to talk to and I felt that I instantly trusted her. I told her things that I have literally never told anyone else ever, not even my shrink. Xaria could make me laugh she was fun to be around and she had done things that I both admired and envied. On top of that incredible package she was gorgeous I mean absolutely stunning. I suspected after a few weeks of being her friend that I had a crush on her but I resisted every urge to ask her out. She was my best friend's sister, gorgeous, incredibly intelligent and not to mention 5 years older than me, this is the very definition of out of my league. But chance would have it that one night my friend Mat and I were smoking weed in my room. Xaria came in and wanted to try some, so she did. After smoking and hanging for a very short time Mat left the room and now it was just me and her. We were both on my bed and all I wanted to was kiss her but before I could even decide If I was going to or not she kissed me and one thing led to another and we slept together that night.

What followed was a few months of dating and fucking behind my friend Mat's back which was frustrating. I wanted to tell him we were dating she didn't, so of course we didn't tell him. Despite the frustration I couldn't believe I was actually with her. All the amazing things I said about her doesn't even compare to this attribute. I have met people before both guys and girls that I felt instantly comfortable with and would be myself when I was around them. I have been in love before but with Xaria it was different. When I was around Xaria I wasn't only myself but I felt as If I was becoming the person I have always wanted to be. I was bettering myself constantly, and being with/around her made it so easy. But despite all the improvement I was still depressed and near the end of our relationship it started getting bad again and I leaned too much on her for support, and just like anything else in my life my depression destroyed our relationship.

Not even two weeks later she was dating and fucking another guy... and surprisingly it didn't matter how much the heartbreak hurt, I had felt the freedom from depression if but for a moment, and I wouldn't let heartache destroy it. I continued to be optimistic, I got a job, opened a new social circle, things were going well. I even crushed all hope of Xaria and I being together which made the heartache be less painful. But on June 1st 2013 on the eve of my new job and my new life I went to have a cigarette with Mat.

You see I had the suspicion that Xaria was with someone else but didn't know for sure.  it was beyond suspicion I basically knew it but it was still just suspicion but i used that information to further my recovery. However on June 1st Mat told me still not knowing that his sister and I dated for a few months told me 100% confirmation that she was with another guy and was happy for her... At that moment I felt something I didn't know one could feel. I felt the last bit of hope, hope I didn't even know I had, hope I consciously tried to destroy. I felt that hope, the hope I crushed, trampled and destroyed, I felt that hope that shouldn't have existed, it extinguished. As if there was a tiny blue flame in my heart and when it went out my heart sank to my stomach, my self-confidence, my trust of other people destroyed, my optimism I work so hard to achieve... it all shattered!

What's honestly the worst thing about all this is that I wish me and Xaria never fucked or dated. I wish we just stayed friends. She is so incredibly special, she made me a better person, and she was the first person in this city that felt like a friend, a real friend, and now she's gone and so are all my other friends. Since June 1st I quit that job I got, and the next job I got, then I failed out of school. And now I have drowned my depression in isolation and pot, and for that depression has taken everything. I remember what it was like being with her, free from this grey cloud that haunts and tortures me. I keep going forward "fighting" or so they tell me. It honestly feels more like existing, not fighting, not living. I hate this illness, I hate that I am too heartbroken to be Xaria's friend, I hate that I am this anti-social pot smoking loser. I miss my family, my dogs and my friends. I feel so far away surrounded by grey.

But I was close to beating this illness once, I know I can beat, and when it does, life won't be too big and scary anymore. I know I can do this I just have to keep persevering.

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