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Relationships

Back at work - not as bad as yesterday - only 2 of us in my office so feeling a lot less anxious. Still have that sick feeling and quite frankly just want to go back to bed.

So im day 3 into post break up. For the first time last night i "missed" him. Thinking about what hes doing - what fun hes having - has he even given me a second thought?

For as long as i can remember my depression has mostly been trigured by the break up of a relationship. Constantly feeling like im not good enough and will anyone ever want me. I hate myself for letting my walls down time and time again and getting nothing in return but a door slammed shut in my face. Every time the same situation - another idiot who is "emotionally unavailable." I used to go into relationships thinking I could "fix" people. If I treated them good enough theyd do the same for me - but it never works like that. Ultimately the outcome will always be the same. Anyone who cant commit will never commit no matter how good you are to them. If I want to be truly honest to myself I feel that although this situation is no different to the rest I have managed to finish something when I realised it wasnt going anywhere. Pat on the back to me.....but a slap in the face as well because again i am alone and hurting. Self hating because once again my poor lack of judgement and my desperation of maybe this time will be different has let me down. I have managed to master the use of logic in these situations but fighting my inner demons is still such a struggle. Everyone tells you that you learn something new everytime and I guess yes i do but ultimately i FEEL the same every time.....worthless, unlovable, not enough and an embarrassment.

today - day 3

Going through the motions today. Woke up after a nights sleep and couldnt face work again. I had promised everyone I would make it in so i decided id go in late. I went back to sleep for a couple hrs - all i wanted was a couple more hrs to forget. Thats the beauty of sleep....you can forget and for a moment in time you are pain free. The only problem that comes with this is the dreams. Dreams have a horrible habbit of reminding you of things you wish to forget. I woke up in a state of anxiety. One diazepam later and texts from friends making sure i went to work i got dressed and left. I felt sick walking in...i didnt want to be there...all eyes on me. Everyone knowing that i was broken. I couldnt cope and the tears came. Panic set in and I was a mess - crying uncontrollobly i was sent home.

Another shameful day to add to my life...as if feeling this way isnt bad enough its even worse when witnessed by others. I know that all these people care about me but it doesnt stop me feeling like a burden to them. Friends who have to sit there and listen to you over and over again, work colleagues who have to pick up your work load but most embarrassing your parents who you know are hurting if not more than you are.

I call it the goldfish bowl and i find it the hardest part of this disease. People watching your every move, watch to see if your crying, watch to see if your eating and watching to see if you are "coping"

Today i hate myself.  I hate the burden i put on people, i hate the way I deal with a situation but i hate most my inability to cope like "normal" people.

This is me

its hard to write into words how you feel when hit with what some call the most debilitating disease - depression. what is depression? it has so many meanings and so many levels but either way it boils down the same thing, depression is depression.

I cant remember the first time i felt depressed but im pretty sure that it started when i hit puberty. i never remember feeling particulary happy in my teens in fact feeling like the ugly tall kid whilst all my friends were the clever pretty ones getting all the attention from the boys. I felt like i didnt fit in. I was popular in my year and always had loads of friends but i still didnt fit.

i never understood how i felt but i knew that most the time i felt frustrated angry and miserable. Id go into myself from time to time and no one understood it and I darent say as a kid, no one particularly cared. I was just an angry teenager who needed to be more respecful.

i was 18 when i had my first major break down. i remember sitting in a bath crying uncontrollobly when my mum decided i should go to see a therapist. I was nervous - no one saw therapists and definitely no one talked about it. I remember going to see someone that had been recommended. I hated it. i hated him. he didnt understand me but most importantly i didnt understand me. I spent the next few yrs trying out different therapists and my mood would lift and then drop but i was never truly happy.

i had my first relationship when i was 19 and for once i felt like i fitted in. Although the relationship wasnt ideal - plagued by arguments and the fact that we were living worlds apart i loved him and he loved me and that was all that mattered. After a year of an emotional rollor coaster the realtionship broke down. I dont remember much of this time, probably because i was already unhappy. my dad was having a serious operation and i was used to putting on a happy face.

9 years ago i met the man that changed my life - my therapist who i have been with every since. Over 9 years he has watched me grow through my 20s and helped me through every fall, picked me up after every relationship break up but the same thing remains. No matter how much i began to understand myself, my behaviours and shared my deepest and darkets secrets the fact remains that to this day i still suffer with depression!

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