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This is me

its hard to write into words how you feel when hit with what some call the most debilitating disease - depression. what is depression? it has so many meanings and so many levels but either way it boils down the same thing, depression is depression.

I cant remember the first time i felt depressed but im pretty sure that it started when i hit puberty. i never remember feeling particulary happy in my teens in fact feeling like the ugly tall kid whilst all my friends were the clever pretty ones getting all the attention from the boys. I felt like i didnt fit in. I was popular in my year and always had loads of friends but i still didnt fit.

i never understood how i felt but i knew that most the time i felt frustrated angry and miserable. Id go into myself from time to time and no one understood it and I darent say as a kid, no one particularly cared. I was just an angry teenager who needed to be more respecful.

i was 18 when i had my first major break down. i remember sitting in a bath crying uncontrollobly when my mum decided i should go to see a therapist. I was nervous - no one saw therapists and definitely no one talked about it. I remember going to see someone that had been recommended. I hated it. i hated him. he didnt understand me but most importantly i didnt understand me. I spent the next few yrs trying out different therapists and my mood would lift and then drop but i was never truly happy.

i had my first relationship when i was 19 and for once i felt like i fitted in. Although the relationship wasnt ideal - plagued by arguments and the fact that we were living worlds apart i loved him and he loved me and that was all that mattered. After a year of an emotional rollor coaster the realtionship broke down. I dont remember much of this time, probably because i was already unhappy. my dad was having a serious operation and i was used to putting on a happy face.

9 years ago i met the man that changed my life - my therapist who i have been with every since. Over 9 years he has watched me grow through my 20s and helped me through every fall, picked me up after every relationship break up but the same thing remains. No matter how much i began to understand myself, my behaviours and shared my deepest and darkets secrets the fact remains that to this day i still suffer with depression!

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