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today - day 3

Going through the motions today. Woke up after a nights sleep and couldnt face work again. I had promised everyone I would make it in so i decided id go in late. I went back to sleep for a couple hrs - all i wanted was a couple more hrs to forget. Thats the beauty of sleep....you can forget and for a moment in time you are pain free. The only problem that comes with this is the dreams. Dreams have a horrible habbit of reminding you of things you wish to forget. I woke up in a state of anxiety. One diazepam later and texts from friends making sure i went to work i got dressed and left. I felt sick walking in...i didnt want to be there...all eyes on me. Everyone knowing that i was broken. I couldnt cope and the tears came. Panic set in and I was a mess - crying uncontrollobly i was sent home.

Another shameful day to add to my life...as if feeling this way isnt bad enough its even worse when witnessed by others. I know that all these people care about me but it doesnt stop me feeling like a burden to them. Friends who have to sit there and listen to you over and over again, work colleagues who have to pick up your work load but most embarrassing your parents who you know are hurting if not more than you are.

I call it the goldfish bowl and i find it the hardest part of this disease. People watching your every move, watch to see if your crying, watch to see if your eating and watching to see if you are "coping"

Today i hate myself.  I hate the burden i put on people, i hate the way I deal with a situation but i hate most my inability to cope like "normal" people.

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