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Relationships

Back at work - not as bad as yesterday - only 2 of us in my office so feeling a lot less anxious. Still have that sick feeling and quite frankly just want to go back to bed.

So im day 3 into post break up. For the first time last night i "missed" him. Thinking about what hes doing - what fun hes having - has he even given me a second thought?

For as long as i can remember my depression has mostly been trigured by the break up of a relationship. Constantly feeling like im not good enough and will anyone ever want me. I hate myself for letting my walls down time and time again and getting nothing in return but a door slammed shut in my face. Every time the same situation - another idiot who is "emotionally unavailable." I used to go into relationships thinking I could "fix" people. If I treated them good enough theyd do the same for me - but it never works like that. Ultimately the outcome will always be the same. Anyone who cant commit will never commit no matter how good you are to them. If I want to be truly honest to myself I feel that although this situation is no different to the rest I have managed to finish something when I realised it wasnt going anywhere. Pat on the back to me.....but a slap in the face as well because again i am alone and hurting. Self hating because once again my poor lack of judgement and my desperation of maybe this time will be different has let me down. I have managed to master the use of logic in these situations but fighting my inner demons is still such a struggle. Everyone tells you that you learn something new everytime and I guess yes i do but ultimately i FEEL the same every time.....worthless, unlovable, not enough and an embarrassment.

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