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No one knows

Ok where do I start! I've never ever written about my depression before and sometimes feel that I can't speak about it or people won't understand, from a very young age I remember being different, unhappy, never fulfilled, and now as an adult aged 30 and a mother of two, I'm struggling and feel this is my lowest point, it's not even about being unhappy for me, I have a well paid job that I enjoy, my children are well behaved and are a joy to have, my partner (not the children's father) is a loving man he adores me and would do anything for me, I love him dearly and couldn't wish for a better relationship, ok so depression..... Well it's a bit hard for me to describe, most of the time I go about my daily life with no problems at all but then there's the moments when I have time to think about things, I ask myself why I was ever born, I wish I was never born, if I was never born I wouldn't have this feeling at all, I actually dislike my parents for having me, it's so stupid though, I should be grateful for everything I have and for my health, but I'm not, I don't want to be here, I don't think i want to die but I definitely don't want to be here, I dream a lot, I dream of my life being different, being born somewhere else, to different people in a different country altogether, looking different, being called something else, why though? My life ain't all that bad! I'm a worrier, I'm paranoid and suffer pretty bad anxiety, I read into things too much and don't realise it until after I've over anylized a very silly simple situation, are you starting to think I need locked up? Yeah me too haha! :) I remember the days a good 7-8 years ago where I would not leave the house, I would shut the curtains and hide, hide from everyone, from everything, I don't do that now, I need routine, my everyday life needs a plan and if that plan doesn't go to plan then I'm screwed, the first few weeks of my sons school holidays is an intense time, I feel over anxious and irritated that we've not played out our usual routine, up breakfast, washed, dressed, school run work etc, the same routine day in day out, and when something like school holidays comes along it messes me up massively, if my routine is disturbed I end up wanting to hide away again, I always have a plan in my head the minute I wake up, shower, make up, then dressed do my hair then sort the kids out, this obsession with routine has rubbed off on my 10 year old, he gets up he immediately gets dressed he gets his breakfast he eats it then he immediately goes and brushes his teeth then he walks the dog, every single day..... Same routine, each day.... That can't be good can it??? Decision making is a tough one for me too, but very silly decision making like where we will eat or what we will do at the weekend, I actually force my partner to Make the decision cos I get so stressed and anxious about making the wrong decision or making a decision that he may not be happy with. So here I am 3.31 am, totally panicking about a work situation that is no fault of mine yet i manage to convince myself that it will be 'turned around' on me, that i will be the 'bad one' i will be sacked and outed and never employed by anyone again! Yes crazy I know and perhaps extreme, but that's how I feel, I can lie awake in bed at night and have the horrible sick feeling that I've not done something, I panicked about an hour ago because I forgot where I'd put my grandmothers bracelet, I've not had this bracelet out in a couple of years and had a sudden surge of dread that I'd lost it so I jumped up and checked my jewellery box just to make sure the precious item was still there, it was....And I sort of hugged it with relief, and thought to myself that my grandmother would be looking at me just now thinking how silly I am!! I maybe am silly but I'm also ill I have a mental illness and I want to see my doctor this week cos I feel I'm getting worse, not better..... I need help and no one knows the depths of it, my family and friends and partner etc know I suffer from depression and know I'm on medication and they think I'm doing ok,  but they don't know how bad it is, how much I don't want to exist, how I wish I was never created,  I put on a big show and I even convince myself that I'm 'normal' maybe i will let them read my blog.....  Maybe they'll see and maybe slightly understand that I'm not normal..... I'm not ok, and I need help massively..... My two angels keep me going, my gorgeous boys whom I am very proud of, I've practically raised them myself and if it wasn't for them..... Well I think I'd be dead, they love me so much that I could never leave them with the heartache of knowing there mummy had killed herself, had given up, didn't care, I do care that's why I'm still here..... :)

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