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Another day.

April 12th, 2011

Here I sit, another day.  In my "cave".  Working from home has it's good points and bad points -- I work in the basement -- it's cold, not very bright, messy and no one to talk to.  The nice part is I can go get a snack or a drink or pop some laundry in - or quick peek at my facebook -- but the lack of interaction from people is killing me.  I work 2 days outside the house and if the work wasn't so crammed in those days, if I could sit and chat a little and enjoy work- I think it would feel better - but right now, I feel bogged down in my little cave. 

My husband "works" from home too -- but business is SLOW and so he watches movies, does household chores (sometimes), cooks and plays with the kids -- what should I complain about?  I guess I'll find something.  He watches the news and it makes his blood boil-- and he can't see that it is all temporary -- things like stuff in the news today-- has been going on for centuries -- bad politicians, earthquakes, crime, people demanding rights, people thinking they don't deserve them.  I feel like he is yelling at me every day about what is going on in the news (when I even agree with him on some points)-- how we should move, how crappy this country is.  I am so afraid that my kids will think that this attitude is the norm and this way to deal with it is the norm when I know it is so far from it.  All it does is make me depressed. 

  I have no close friends since we moved back and my family wouldn't understand.  Some of them hint that he is lazy - or he should be doing more.  Maybe he should.  Maybe I am a facilitator to his drinking and smoking-- because I don't know what to do to have him stop.  It's his body-- he should want to be healthy and enjoy this life right?  Why do I have to be the one to police him?  I am not strong enough to give ultimatums- (stop drinking or get out) and he's not a mean or bad drunk -- he's a happy drunk that drinks about 3 times a week --  my kids see him go in the shower with a beer-- or bring them to bed with a beer-- I know this is not normal and that he should stop or his body will give out on him -- but if he tries, he becomes bitter, yellling about dumb things- then apologizing profusely later.  He isn't violent or degrading- - just mad that the video games are on the floor etc.  but it gives him an excuse for why he should drink-- cuz it "stresses him out" .   He complains about my family -- I know they have their faults - be he acts like they are the enemy -- he even had the gall to say -- " I wonder if their relatives were slave holders"-- come on -- really-- my family has only tried to help us -- my parents paid for some of HIS schooling.  My brother offered him a good job -- He has a paranoid attitude that everyone is against him-  that they say things behind his back- or think this and that--He really needs to lighten up and learn to take a helping hand.  We are all just people trying to do our best and get by.

If I didn't have to work full time, handle kids after school, deal with the house etc -- I would just cry all day-- but I have responsiblities that prevent me from thinking about it too much (if I don't think about it, maybe it will go away).    I am not suicidal and I really don't have a lot of sympathy for people with depression -- (again, if I don't think about it - it goes away for awhile).  I am sure people who know me think I am a very happy person-- but I'm not -- I have too much to do, too much I want to do, too much to think about and too little time to take care of myself. 

I need to find some friends, some good girl friends, that won't judge me or lecture to me or judge my husband for that matter.  We live in such a small town-- I fear that if I say something to someone, it will get out faster than lighting.  I work at my church so I can't confide in my pastor -- maybe I should anyway -- it would ease the burden- why does life have to be so hard.  Why does money seem to come so slowly.

I know life isn't supposed to be easy -- but I didn't know it was going to be this hard.   I worry about my future -- willl I stay with him - or do we have such different values that we can't stay together?  Is it more hindering staying with him- or would the kids be better off with out the constant negative emotions that arise from our house.  I can't keep saying "everything will be ok" cuz I am not sure that it will be.  It's hard to be optimistic when you live with a pessimist.  I keep praying that God will hear me and in his own way make it right.  I can not rely on him to do everything for me, but I can rely on him to point me in the right direction.  So point me......mold me, sclupt me -- heal me.


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