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The beginning

I was 13 years old when I had my first case of depression. I had been in hospital with septicaemia. For those who don't know, it's blood poising and millions of people die from it every year, so when I heard about it, I was pretty freaked. At this time I was abroad with one of my closest friends and I didn't even know I was ill. I felt sick now and then but I thought it was just heat stroke or something. Anyway, when I got back to the UK I was flying out to a little island near Italy with my family to do our annual sailing trip for my dads birthday. And that's when I got really sick like, really sick. Thankfully I recovered speedily over a month after spending each of those long days in a hospital bed not even in my own country.  The sad part is, I lost a lot of friends who, I don't know got scared I guess and left my side. That year didn't end well for me as people were awkward with me at school. God, it's not like I had anything catching. So that year (2012) ended, and I thought it would be good again.


January 12th and I had been speaking to a boy. Okay he wasn't the most attractive guy around but we got on so well and he seemed to really like me. Suddenly  my friends (or what I had left)  had turned on my and began to attack me about everything. I was so thrilled talking to this boy, I guess because I don't really get noticed often so it made me feel so special for once. Anyway, it was around a month later when I no longer got messages from this boy and I had one friend that was dating his brother, she really helped me out and told me things that I stupidly believed. He treated me like dirt. He would semd me messages and then wouldn't reply for 4 weeks.  Don't know why now when I think about this but I let him do this to me for a whole year. Yes I am a complete push over and people tend to take that as an advantage.

Summer was the worst. My best friend in the whole world never spoke to me again. She didn't give me an explanation and never looked at me again. To this day, she still hasn't said a word to me. I ended the year breaking it of with is boy and I felt a massive rush of power for myself. I felt kind of proud.

This sounds like a little girl being the most pathetic person in the world but you see, what I've learned about my depression that hasn't seemed to make a mend quiet yet is that, the worst parts for me are the small little things that get to me and pick at my head all day and all night. Just slowly making everyday a little but worse that the last. Many things have pushed me over my point since then and last night I was close to ending it all. I lied in my bed still awake at 3am my body all hot and tears where on my face. Thing is I don't remember how they got there or even why I was crying. But let me ask you something, have you ever cried because you're you? Well I think that's what happened with me. I hate myself, I'm so unloveable and so, I wanted to share my story to express what I'm feeling because I'm start to lose myself and this is only the beginning.

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