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It Was Just a Grilled Cheese

All I asked for was a grilled cheese sandwich. If I wanted a side of guilt with it I would've said so. But hey, that's life right? You just never know what added surprises your gonna end up with.

I'm adding a new phrase to my 'most hated phrases' list. It goes a little something like this. "You wanna do it?" I'm sure that most women would be in agreeance that its not the fastest way to get into our pants. Like that's really gonna get me all hot and bothered. Especially when the only leading up to it is some ass grab and boob grab and he just expects me to be flipped like a switch. Sorry it doesn't work that way. I wish it would too but no such luck.

Now I had every intention on following through and all I asked was if I could  get a sandwich before hand. Maybe its just me but i thought it was a fair trade. Not so much.Instead I get goran followed by a guilt trip  and I'm told "I don't want pitty sex".  I  promised it wouldn't be and that I was just hungry and was busy online trying to pay bills and manage our account after just coming home from work. Still I get atitude and just as I  finish my last bite I hear my next hated phrase "we're not gonna do it are we?" And to think I really truly was going to and even wanting to, but that was it for me.  Game over.

He leaves the room and now I'm left here crying becuase somehow amongst all this stupidity I feel guilty.  It's as though I'm left holding the bag of cash while he takes off in the getaway car .  I know he didn't want pitty sex but I did't want to be pressured into it either. Yet I cry because all I did was ask my boyfriend if he could make me a grilled cheese and if only he had said "yes I can do this one little thing for you" or just yes, tonight would've ended a whole lot better.

Not Today

When I finally rolled out of bed today I couldn't stop myself from crying. This time it was an angry cry because i was a little upset with my boyfriend. Which in turn quickly spiraled out of control. It went from just being frustrated with my relationship to why should I even bother with all of the B.S that is my life.

Then ofcourse the self-loathing and not feeling good enough for anyone comes into play. I began to grow tired of the same routine of tending to chores, while my family gets to go out and enjoy life,Leaving me at home... alone  with the thoughts that run rampant in my mind.

This wouldn't be the first time where I lie in bed and cry, and I know it wont be the last. Sometimes I feel like I could very well loose my mind. Either somethings gotta give or I'm going to be pushed too far once again.

I'll even get mad at myself for not being able to physically harm myself to take away the pain. I can't cut myself becuase I cannot stand the sight of my own blood and I can't become an alcoholic becuase I can't stand the taste.

So in the end I lie in bed or on the couch thinking about all the ways I could go and getting more and more frustrated that I can't bring myself to do the deed. Not that I havent tried once before. Although I'm that far out of touch with reality, I know I can't end it becuase I have too much to loose and I'm not one to cause others pain. I'm so timid I couldn't hurt a fly.

So I sleep to escape the pain, its the closest I can get to death. I beleive that is what death is, just a deep sleep that never ends. Your body is relaxed and your not even aware your dead (aside from the not waking up part). This is what most people don't understand. They look at me like I'm just some lazy slob who doesn't know a thing about hard work or self-discipline. Which is furthest from the truth. The fact that i can force myslef to actually get up and slap on a fake smile and go to my crappy job and help some of  the rudest inconsiderate customers is pretty damn disciplined if you ask me.

Except today is just not one of those days. Beleive it or not its worse. But I've come to realize that it really doesn't matter what aynone else thinks. The smart remarks or judgement that anyone makes of me is miniscule compared to the negativity that envelopes my mind. I am my own worst enemy at times, and it's something I need to work on.

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