When I finally rolled out of bed today I couldn't stop myself from crying. This time it was an angry cry because i was a little upset with my boyfriend. Which in turn quickly spiraled out of control. It went from just being frustrated with my relationship to why should I even bother with all of the B.S that is my life.

Then ofcourse the self-loathing and not feeling good enough for anyone comes into play. I began to grow tired of the same routine of tending to chores, while my family gets to go out and enjoy life,Leaving me at home... alone  with the thoughts that run rampant in my mind.

This wouldn't be the first time where I lie in bed and cry, and I know it wont be the last. Sometimes I feel like I could very well loose my mind. Either somethings gotta give or I'm going to be pushed too far once again.

I'll even get mad at myself for not being able to physically harm myself to take away the pain. I can't cut myself becuase I cannot stand the sight of my own blood and I can't become an alcoholic becuase I can't stand the taste.

So in the end I lie in bed or on the couch thinking about all the ways I could go and getting more and more frustrated that I can't bring myself to do the deed. Not that I havent tried once before. Although I'm that far out of touch with reality, I know I can't end it becuase I have too much to loose and I'm not one to cause others pain. I'm so timid I couldn't hurt a fly.

So I sleep to escape the pain, its the closest I can get to death. I beleive that is what death is, just a deep sleep that never ends. Your body is relaxed and your not even aware your dead (aside from the not waking up part). This is what most people don't understand. They look at me like I'm just some lazy slob who doesn't know a thing about hard work or self-discipline. Which is furthest from the truth. The fact that i can force myslef to actually get up and slap on a fake smile and go to my crappy job and help some of  the rudest inconsiderate customers is pretty damn disciplined if you ask me.

Except today is just not one of those days. Beleive it or not its worse. But I've come to realize that it really doesn't matter what aynone else thinks. The smart remarks or judgement that anyone makes of me is miniscule compared to the negativity that envelopes my mind. I am my own worst enemy at times, and it's something I need to work on.