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loneliness

Today in Sociology, the Do Now was, "How would you live, if you can, without your bestfriend?" I hated the question, because I don't have a bestfriend, and I rather be it that way. So how was I supposed to take part in the discussion then? He went on to say that if we have someone that we could go to at any time, confide to someone, and never feel loney, then you're very lucky. I guess I'm not. I don't think I've ever minded before that I wasn't close to anyone to be considered bestfriends, up untill then. It made me feel horrible about myself. That I was weird for not having someone like that. My answer to that question was, "Life goes on, so move on. Don't have bestfriends." I'm glad everyone wasn't made to share their answers, because I wouldn't have been ready for the bonbardment of comments and questions from everyone, they would judge me. And the worst part is that I have Sociology with Purple, and she wrote about how lost she would be without her bestfriend/girlfriend. It was their 10 months today.

A mother's job is to make you feel better about yourself

A mothers job is to make you feel better about yourself, and give you confidence. Mine is the exact opposite. Yesterday, she told me to stop eating untill I disappear. And then she basically told me to go kill myself, and that it wouldn't matter if I committed suicide. I hate her so much. But I hate myself better for caring. She was the reason I cried myself to sleep last night. **WHAT THE HELL. As I was writing this post, I got a text from my mom saying "disappear". That's it. just disappear.** A couple of months ago, she's also said that if I died, it wouldn't matter, cause there would still be another twin. She's also told me that I've ruined her life, and that she wishes I was never born. I don't think my mom quite understands what she says does to me. Because it hurts. There's not one week where I don't silently sob at night in bed because of her. I'm done. I'm done with her and all of her bullshit. I'm done with people. ///If someone's reading this, I hope your mother's not like mine.///

Is somebody out there?

Is somebody out there actually reading what I write? Please give me a sign. I must sound crazy talking to myself. But then again, I do that often. Okay, sorry. Didn't mean to take up your time.

Just one more thing

I haven't fully figured out why, but it's very hard for me to gather up the courage to open up to people. I don't really know why. But when I do, it's always been through writing them letters. When I start, it becomes difficult for me to stop. Also, another reason I hate R as much as I do, is because she's blackmailed me for various reasons since we were 7 or 8 years old. Music has been getting me through each day, and I'm thankfull for that. I love bands in the alternative, punk rock, pop punk, or metal genre. Concerts are a time when I feel free and the only time I feel like I belong. In addition, I have an older brother, who's 8 years older. For some reason he's still living with us. I'm also not very fond of him either, hate would put it better. This is my life, and these are my tales.

The begining cont...

I don't open up to most people, and if I do, it takes me a long time to trust them before doing so. My sister is quite the opposite, and thus has made connections with our "friends", whilst I probably never will. I can't tell anyone anything, because it'll eventually get back to R. I've tried before, and it has happened. There are 2 people that probably know the most about me. They both know 2 separate halfs of my story, so neither knows everything. It's good this way because the both of them don't really know each other. I'm calling one Purple, and the other Jacques. Purple is pansexual, and has a girlfriend, who is also my friend. I fully support them, but sometimes it's hard. Only I know about them. I think I might have feeling for her, and that scares me shitless. Because I've known her for more than 6 years now, and we're pretty close. And also cause that would mean I'm bisexual. Jacques is bisexual, and I love him dearly. I consider them my only close friends (I don't do the whole bestfriend thing).

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