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Permalink 01:52:13 pm, by greybug Email , 423 words   English (US) latin1

Lost, alone, sad, scared and like a total failure thats how I've been feeling for about a year now. Lately, I had even started thinking that I didn't wanna live anymore. But after going through many unbiased sites on suicide I've realised its not a simple painless escape that I thought it was and that I really wanna live. But I know that being okay is not so easy. The first thing they tell you to do is talk to someone about your problems. My parents won't understand how I feel and I am not sure that my friends would either. I'm like "What the hell ! Why don't I tell it to strangers who know what its like to feel this low ?!" So, here I am...


I am 18 and living in India. Like all Indian parents mine want me to become an engineer and I don't think that I wanna do it. The pressure is impossible for me to deal with. When I told my parents that I don't eanna do it, my mom cried and my dad's anger just got worse. He saw me as a bad investment , I guess. My uncle tried to tell me how stupid this decision was. What they all basically told me was that I won't be able to do anything else (way to boost my self confidence, right !). They saw this as something I was doing to hurt them and didn't even try to think how I felt. They've all seen me breakdown and cry but they've still been more or less blind to it. And whenever I tried to talk to them about how I felt, I just ended up feeling worse somehow.


Now that I've agreed to study engineering they complain that I am not happy with it! (Can't really blame them for that one). When finally they've started asking about my feelings all I do is sit there and stare back at them. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them about my feelings as I always feel worse afterwards. Every time I told them something they tried to calm me down by saying that I'm overreacting and I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. But hey, I can't just stop feeling right ? Some part of me agrees with them. I've started to think that I'm totally gonna fail at whatever I do.


I just wanna throw my hands up and scream. Uhh! But writing it all down is working better actually.


So, thanks !



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