Oh well oh well so here we stand But we stand for nothing My heart calls to me in my sleep How can i turn to it 'cause i'm all locked up in this Dark place-- And i do not know i'm as good as dead My head aches-- Warped and tied up i need to kill this pain My head won't leave my head alone And i don't believe it will Until i'm dead and gone My head won't leave my head alone And i don't believe it willl Until i'm six feet under gound How long i'm tied up My mind in knots-- My stomach reels in concern for what i might do or What i've done It's got me living in fear Well i know these voices must Be my sould i've had my grave Lying wired and shut and quiet in my grave Leave me here Leave it to me to waste here So young and here i am again Talking to myself A tv blares Oh man Oh how i wish i didn't smoke Or drink to reason with my head But sometimes this thick confusion Grows utnil i cannot bear it all Needle to the vein Needle to the vein Take this needle from my vein my fiend I said In my grave Lying, lying cold in my grave The reason--my reason Take my head off this terror The fearing won't come back I can't see my mind's all wiped clean The needle Make my great escape I seem caught in time My head leaves me behing Body fall cold And i have seen heaven

I have never done a blog before. Occurred to me today how really depressing this must be for others to read, then again, what do you expect from a "depression blog". I am not even sure anybody reads this anyway. I just thought it my help me work some things out. I feel like sometimes putting things out there whether it be verbally, on paper or on screen helps me release these feelings. I also thought if anyone does read these maybe it might help them to hear from someone that is going through what they are. I feel it helps to know you are not alone. I also thought maybe people might share their perspectives on how they cope and maybe they might help me. I guess for now the answer is....to blog. Bye for now.

When I get depressed as I am now there inevitably comes a time when I want to run. As if going somewhere else will make the depression go away. It probably doesn't, yet I have done it a lot. Gone from Illinois to Florida, back to Illinois, to New York to San Francisco to Illinois to San Diego and now in Georgia. Now I am itching to leave once again. I guess it helps buy me time. While I am busy adjusting to some place new...the excitement of it all lessens the depression. I used to think a lot of my depression was guilt based for not being near my kids. But, here I am, near them..doing the "right" thing and the monster is back. As a lyric from one of my favorite groups songs goes "my head won't leave my head alone. I don't believe it will until I'm dead and gone.". That is the theme song for my last ten years it seems.

My downward trend continues. I recognize the signs but can't stop it. How I cope is more like setting myself up for failure. I do things that bring me temporary happiness. I eat and I spend money like I actually have it. I guess it gets me from moment to moment and day to day and that's pretty much all I think about right now. I have done this before. So much so I have driven myself down to the point I have been homeless twice. Whenever I seem to be getting my life back on track again I seem to sabotage myself. It's almost like I am more comfortable being depressed. I really haven't cared whether I live or die in a long time. I almost hope I somehow die from some way that isn't suicide. A car accident, murdered, heart attack or a tornado or something. I feel somehow that would be easier for people to take than me taking my own life.

Well, here I am again. Feeling the descent. That all too familiar feeling that I am sliding again. I am really struggling and I need help. I just relocated yet again and should probably seek therapy. My struggle feels long and never ending and I just don't want to go over my whole story yet again to someone new. It hurts. It's like I experience the pain all over again. I just don't think I have it in me, so, what do I do? What do I do??  If it wasn't for having kids I would have ended this long ago. They are the only reason I am alive and, honestly, sometimes I resent that fact. I don't really think that it's that I want to die as much as that I just want the pain to stop. Trying to make sense of all this.