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here goes

First Blog Attempt..

SOOoo.. Here I am. I have never blogged or chat room chatted before. I have come to the point where I no longer want to talk to people in my real world about stuff, so here i sit.

I have been diagnosed by DRs with depression, bi polar, anxiety, anger issues.. I have been labeled by those around me as mean, angry, selfish, immature. I started medication in 2005. effexor then lexapro. Ive lived on lexapro for longer then i originally wanted. This past year i have decided to quit my meds since it never really cured me. (sarcasim) About six months ago i switched from lexapro to celexa..after a few months of that mess i switched to welbutrin. After i landed myself in the ER with horrible headaches and stomach pains, I quit the welbutrin after less then two weeks. TaDA no meds since 7/21/12. I hope that i have not caused to much damage to my body with all of those chemicals..

Why did i stop my meds? Because I still hated life. It didnt make me "better" and i had this fear inside of slowly poisoning my body with these toxins that didnt seem to make a difference in my mental state.. so why do the damage to my internals rite?

I have ruined many friendships, relationships, etc. because of the way my head works. Im not sure how much of it i regret.

I guess i have joined this blog/chat group looking for something, but im not sure what honestly. Maybe just to see that I am not the only one in the world who is messed up like me? Maybe to see if someone is worse off then me? Maybe to pick up some tips on how to deal with life from people who arent doctors?

All i know is i push everyone away in real life. I am in a relationship with the same person for over two years and in the past few months I have realized that I have become the "sick" person in their eyes and it feels so horrible. The last man standing and I have ruined it also, I have now become a burden to deal with and i feel my door closing again.

So here I am looking for something but i dont know what.


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