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12/24/13

Permalink 01:32:28 am, by heatherglen Email , 34 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: heatherglen

No one cares. No one listens. At the end of the day, all I have is myself.
I wish I could make myself happy and feel better.
Comparing... Not good enough... Why would anyone want me

12/14/13

Permalink 01:36:08 am, by heatherglen Email , 24 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: heatherglen

Feeling great. Honesty and a nice, long car drive is all I need to be happy

simplicity

That's all I've tried to stand for...

12/12/13

Permalink 08:06:02 pm, by heatherglen Email , 65 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: heatherglen

It's like the ending of a sad movie. You watch it numerous times believing the outcome will be different. Mufasa lives. Jack doesn't die. My reality - I wish there was a different ending. I watch everything unfold and look for a different outcome. But there is always going to be heartbreak. There is always going to be loss. And nothing will change that. Nothing will…

Permalink 03:58:48 pm, by heatherglen Email , 2268 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: heatherglen

I don't even know where to start. I guess I should start with giving a brief summary of my life up until this point.

I am Heather, and I am 18 years old. I grew up in Southern California. The weather is always amazing, family went on vacation a lot, I had a lot of opportunities there. I was always an outgoing one, participating  in musical theatre and gaining a lot of friends. I guess you can say I've been pretty popular my whole life... People would think that I had it all figured out...
It was September of 2008 when I first hurt myself... That's when this trainwreck began. I was an 8th grader at the time. I was getting yelled at by my mother for something really dumb, and everything stressful about that year just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so stressed out it was unbelievable. I got yelled at by my family all the time, I never got along with my father at all, my mother asked a lot of me, I was in honors classes, I was in the school productions, I was being called a "slut" and "fat" and "ugly." I cut myself, but immediately after I remember I leaned to my right, as if someone was there. I believed it to be God back then, and I asked him for the strength to beat this depression I had been feeling. 
I couldn't tell anyone about my hurt. I tried, but it always seemed to fade into the background. I told my mom once that I wanted help, and she said she would help me get it. But she never did anything about it... It's like it didn't matter. Because my younger sister seemed depressed, she forced her to go to therapy and get help when she didn't even ask for it. That hurt me so badly. The fact that she went completely out of her way for my sister and couldn't even help me was so horrible... It's so incredibly hard for me to ask help, so the fact that I asked for help and it was practically denied hurt me deeper than I probably even know.
Fastforward to September 2009. I was still cutting myself. Trying to beat it with every inch of me... I developed a minor eating disorder. I was self-conscious about my weight; I was a pretty large child. I became a vegetarian in 2007, so I lost a lot of weight because of that. I was never really even fat... But I always felt like I was. My boyfriend was super fit as well as his family. Every time I went over there, his mother would say, "Wow, you look amazing!" So it made me just want to skip meals and run even more. But in March of 2010, my life completely changed forever. One of my best friends, Kenzie, died of bulimia. I couldn't even believe it... I had known about her struggles, but I never thought it would lead to this outcome. She was only 15 years old. Who would think, as a freshman in high school, that this could happen to someone so full of life? This is when I began to push people away. No one knew how to console me, heck, I didn't even know how. I lost some close friends because I didn't know how to reach out for them. I started to deal with everything on my own. I broke up with my boyfriend because he "didn't understand me." He was my first love... And I missed him for years and years and years. I got with another guy because he was depressed too, and he seemed to understand my sadness. Big mistake. I was with this guy for a year and a half, and all I can say is that I just got worse and worse as time went on. I lost my virginity to him, I still cut myself because he did too and he never really tried to help me. Two depressed people together who aren't recovering alone will just sulk and rot together. He was schitzophrenic, and that was so hard for me to deal with because it's like all my issues meant nothing because voices in his head were telling him to kill everyone and I had to help him... During this year and a half, I developed severe paranoia that took so much self-evaluation to defeat. I broke up with him after a year and a half, telling him that we needed to recover without each other. That was the first decision I made that was somewhat selfish. Up until that point in my life, I lived for other people and suffered alone. I was the person everyone came to for their problems, while I had no one I could talk to that would truly understand me. I felt like everyone I got close to just left. After that guy and I broke up, I felt so alone. I was still struggling with self harm. Then in May of 2012, my life did a 180. I met these 3 guys who would later become the best friends and support group I had ever had up until that point. I went to a theatre show at my school to watch my friends in it, and I got invited to hang out with them afterwards. We went to our friend Mitchell's house and sat on his roof and really opened up to each other. They were the first people to really listen to me and try to understand. It was awesome. The next day, we (Austin, Sean & Noah) went to the beach together. We were there all day. Then we stayed out all night smashing guitars, sneaking into a community pool, watching the sunrise at the beach, etc. We had grown so close just in a matter of days. We did everything together for a solid month or so. Then my junior prom came around. Sean asked me, and I said yes to go with him as friends. I started dating my first boyfriend (and only true love) again, and things seemed to be going well. Then one day, he ended it because he felt like I needed "time to figure myself out." At the time, it made me so upset because I was in love with him, but now I see what he meant. Anyway, I went to prom with Sean. He kissed me during the slow dance, and we started to kind of date. I told him I didn't want anything offical because he didn't really know me one on one yet. He was cool with that. We started hanging out, and I began to become really fond of his personality. He was such a sweet, honest, caring person. He truly loved me for who I was. I was so comfortable with him... We did almost everything together. Then in October 2012, my sister found strange pictures on my father's phone. He was cheating on my mother. We did some research, took the woman's phone number, and found out who she was. She was married, lived north of us somewhere, but we had no idea who she was. We couldn't tell our mother for the longest time because our aunt's (his sister) husband died, and she came to stay with us. Obviously, we couldn't tell our mom about what we knew with our aunt there because she was grieving. Then we attended a family wedding the week later in North Carolina, so we couldn't tell her then. Now it's been a month or so that my little sister & I have been holding this in... Once we came back from the wedding, we told our older sister then our mother. She confronted our father, and he left for the night. He came back, and all he did was place demands on us. He kept saying things like, "YOU listen to ME because I am the father!" He didn't ever really apologize for what he had done... Even when my mother confronted him with the phone evidence, he tried to play dumb and act like he had no idea what they were. He left us alone for Christmas; it was the best Christmas I had ever had. Then he came back days later for New Years. I had been parking my car in his side of the garage because it had been raining and I didn't want the car to get damaged. Plus, he wasn't even there so it wasn't occupied anymore. When he came back, the first thing he did was move my car out so he could park there again. He came back trying to take over the house rather than being apologetic and asking for forgiveness or trying to find out what he could do to make things right. He stayed locked away in the bonus room, but he stayed with us for about a year. He wouldn't leave us alone to cope... It was horrifying. Sean was always there for me, he even slept over sometimes because I didn't feel safe. My father assaulted me and called me things no father should call his daughter. I honestly don't even hate him because I would have to care to hate him... I just dislike him and don't want to see him. My mother, my two sisters, and I couldn't afford to live in our house (the house we'd lived in our whole lives), so we were forced to move. The sad thing is that our father said he would do anything to let us keep the house, but he went back on that. He's a horrible person. My whole senior year of high school was consumed of this situation. I didn't tell many of my friends about the details because they seemed so consumed with themselves...I was so stressed all the time, it was hard to get through the year. I didn't know who my true friends were anymore. I didn't even think I had any for a time... Just people who were there to laugh at my jokes and talk about their problems with me. Sean and I broke up because I realized I wasn't in love with him. I wish I was; he treated me so well. But I knew I was moving out for the next year across the country, so I knew I couldn't stay with someone I wasn't in love with after a year of being with them. I started hooking up with my schitzophrenic ex as well as one of my good friends. I was just looking for emotionless connections; I just didn't want to feel anything. I got bullied for all of this stuff by Austin and all his friends. They told everyone I cheated on Sean, when that wasn't true. And I was just so sick of it. Ready to move away to fulfill my dream - being a musician. At least my family and I got really close after the divorce; we began to truly trust each other and lean on each other for anything. I am so thankful to have my mom and sisters. I am in a band on the other side of the country now. It was such a relief to get away from California. Get away from all of that negative energy that resulted from me breaking up with Sean. I met an amazing guy here. He's the first guy that has helped me forget about my first love and want to move on. I am truly in love with him, and I haven't felt this way in a long time. I have an awesome band that will hopefully do well in the future. I have a nice job that has allowed me to meet a bunch of cool people. I get alone time. I am generally happy here... But there are days when I am so unbelievably depressed I can't even understand why... I haven't cut myself in a long time, but I did burn myself here one night... I wish I didn't have to feel so low sometimes, but it just happens... My boyfriend is normally there for me. But even so, I just can't shake how I feel deep down because I don't really know the source. It may be becaues I feel so alone here sometimes. I have few friends, but not nearly as many as I did in California. In California, I would have to turn people down because I was so busy. But here I'm alone most of the time, just waiting for band practice. I do things like bake cakes, play music, bike ride, jog, go on my computer, watch movies, etc. I just don't have many people to hang out with... And my boyfriend works a lot, so we don't get too much quality time. Whenever we do hang out, it's most likely 10-11 pm, and he's tired from a long work day. I hang out with my band mates a lot, but honestly, I live with them, so it's hard to want to hang out with them constantly. I just feel like no one here really knows me, and there's not enough time for me to really get to know someone. I mean, except my boyfriend, but usually I just want to be happy and do fun things with him rather than talk about my feelings.

Basically, I feel lost. I feel alone. I am hoping this blog will help me  maybe meet some people who can either relate or listen. I would love to meet people to just talk to. It would really help with this transitional period in my life.

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