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Introduction

December 8th, 2010

It's like this:

you could be sitting in class one minute, and you feel almost like everyone else. you know, the normal people, who can pay attention and do homework and aren't at risk to lose their scholarship at The School, The All-Important School For Very Smart Young People, The School That Owns You and Your Soul and Its Subsequent Intellect. You could be participating in a discussion, doing your classwork, and the next thing you know, you're miles away. You're back in a room, in a circle of chairs, and you are drawn in, drowning in the memory. You see the familiar faces whose names you could never really know and wonder where they are and how they feel, and do they ever wonder about you? And is Jamie back on drugs? And did Lucy try to kill herself again? And did Shontelle ever get out of that abusive home? And did Tom really get sent away for six months? Are they okay, are they out there, were they real? Was any of it real?

What about the Overlords- did they ever get fired? Did they ever crack, realizing that the facilities were just too overcrowded, that there were too many fucked up kids in the world for them to handle? Did they ever realize that, in the end, there was not one person they managed to help?

And then, ugh, then someone notices you, calls you back, assumes you're being lazy or are tired. Because the rest of them- they don't know. They're smart, sure, and they've got the expensive education to prove it, but they don't know shit.

Or maybe it's you. Maybe it's something you missed, a lesson you skipped out on.Maybe you're the one who's got it wrong, and everyone will find out, will learn that you've just been bullshitting your way through life.

My name is Helena, and I go to a high school for the "gifted". I have 5 siblings, raised by a sigle mother. Most of my family has been in jail and/or is an alcoholic. People tell me I'm amazing, but they don't realize how little I do. I may be in the top percentage for IQ, but I don't feel like it. I feel stupid. I feel worthless. I feel as though something switched off in my brain a year and a half ago, and I can't seem to turn it back on. And the more I fight it and fail, the further into the haze my brain descends. Maybe whatever made me "special" no longer exists.

All I want is to be happy. I want to be able to focus when I read. I want to have the will to do my homework. I want to be just like every other person at my school. Sometimes, I feel crushed. It's unfair. They have money, normal families, functioning brains. They don't have this, this depression, but they and I- we are judged on the same plane. Sometimes I feel spoiled. I attend a dream school, and I can barely be bothered to utilize opportunities others may never see. All the matters to me is school. I love it, love it, love it, more than anything in the world, but it is slipping through my fingers.


 

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