As I sit and stare, I think how did I become this hermit, this lonely hidden person with no life. As I stare I see all these  people talking to others and on their way to jobs, out with friends, family, to church,or where ever. I glance at my phone, I sit and wait for a good night kiss and think how did I become so non-exsistant. I guess I've just made so many mistakes through my journey and spent so much time cleaning them up, making changes, filtering the negative people out, trying to change and do the right thing, pleasing everyone else, that I tried too hard. I've lost my personality, my jobs, my car, my lisence, my friends, my dignity, my drive, my dreams, my healthy body; my family doesn't even call to say hi and I stare off wondering why my girl friend would rather sit in another room or sit in silence then acknowledge that I exsist. I stare thinking as young as I am how did my life fade to a dark nothing. I stare going over and over all the possibilities of a full and abundent life, and wonder why I can't find one good reason why it wouldn't matter if I just fell asleep and never woke up. I try to stare so hard until my perephials become blurry and I can actually see myself on Gods freshly created beauty of earth, the oceans, the mountains, the trees, as the sun beats down on my face and not a soul around judging, throwing opinions, trying to control or just plain ignoring me. It's so beautiful as the tears role down my face I think is this heaven, a place where I can love myself, a place I don't wonder why I'm unloved and alone.  Does this heaven even exsist? Who am I kidding? As my vision slowly clears to reality, here it is just another day in this box alone in my thoughts, begging the day to hurry by. The faster the day goes by the quicker it gets to my long earned life retirement, alone.