ive been in a better place. i think. after my meltdown my mom had me start talking to a therapist, which i wasnt opposed to, and i think its helping. he has me do little tasks throughout the week which makes me feel like im accomplishing something. so that makes me feel a little better. dont get me wrong i still have night where i want to end it all and just not have this awful pain anymore. I also saw this post on social media a few months back and this lady was having a conversation with this young man and she asked him if he thinks about killing himself and he answers with all the time and she asks him but what if the pain stopped would he still want to kill himself and he answers back no. and i think thats what i want, the pain to stop. will it ever? i just feel like people are so nasty and cruel whats the point of being on the same planet with them. whats the point of living? is it bad that i have all my finances set up to where if something were to happen i would have everything set? i am 26 and have no kids or significant other. and i still live with my parents. this also makes me feel like people think i havent done things right because i do still live with my parents. but why would i want to live alone? ive lived alone and i just cant seem to find solitude. my therapist had me look up the difference between solitude and loneliness. and i am lonely. i do not find peace in solitude my anxiety seems to find me. hopefully december will be a better month. also i think i get seasonal depression because i always seem to get depressed during the holidays. thats probably a thing.