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lately

ive been in a better place. i think. after my meltdown my mom had me start talking to a therapist, which i wasnt opposed to, and i think its helping. he has me do little tasks throughout the week which makes me feel like im accomplishing something. so that makes me feel a little better. dont get me wrong i still have night where i want to end it all and just not have this awful pain anymore. I also saw this post on social media a few months back and this lady was having a conversation with this young man and she asked him if he thinks about killing himself and he answers with all the time and she asks him but what if the pain stopped would he still want to kill himself and he answers back no. and i think thats what i want, the pain to stop. will it ever? i just feel like people are so nasty and cruel whats the point of being on the same planet with them. whats the point of living? is it bad that i have all my finances set up to where if something were to happen i would have everything set? i am 26 and have no kids or significant other. and i still live with my parents. this also makes me feel like people think i havent done things right because i do still live with my parents. but why would i want to live alone? ive lived alone and i just cant seem to find solitude. my therapist had me look up the difference between solitude and loneliness. and i am lonely. i do not find peace in solitude my anxiety seems to find me. hopefully december will be a better month. also i think i get seasonal depression because i always seem to get depressed during the holidays. thats probably a thing.

today

i told my mom about my panic attack last night. i think its because i want to be helped. but at the same time i dont know if i want to even be here. sometimes i feel so alone and unwanted. its just hard, i feel like some people can be so cruel and even my one friend i have isnt even a good friend. ive known her forever probably like 14 years now but we were never really close we kind of started hanging out alot because we lived near each other and we were both bored. so it was just convienent but i dont think i would even consider her a friend, i cant really talk to her about anything and she just never really seems to care. so why am i here? what purpose is there for me. i cant seem to do anything right.

hi its me

so i just wrote a long story about how ive been depressed for 12 years but its been so bad the past two years, how i felt like venom from spiderman because it engulfs him without him wanting it too. like how i dont want to be depressed but it just engulfs my whold body. and i had this great first post and it didnt save, this is my life. anyways trying to be positive. one thing i said which is something i think about alot is that i feel like when i do try and be happy my depression brings me back to reality, like being happy is just a distraction from me being sad instead of the other way around. i feel like im more sad then i am happy. my family and coworkers notice it too. its hard not to show when i feel like i cant hold on anymore. i used to be so strong and now im losing it.

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