Long time no see
I have lost count. Of blogs, of days, of months. I lost years in my lifetime. I ended up in places with no idea of how I got there, or when. Slept on park benches more than once. I, I, I, I believe that I am allowed to be narcissistic here. Here I can bare my soul better than in a confessional.
I fell apart when I was 19 or 20. It started before my ex stole our baby; I have said, back then there was no computer age. Nor was there anything called BiPolar. Maybe he saw it in me- and maybe it really was for the best that he took our child but I was a good mother and would have been maybe even wonderful given a few advantages.
I held down a good job or three for awhile, but I partied whenever I could until I dropped and then I would crash. I would call in sick until I ended up quitting before I got fired. I started drinking- all dressed up in the lounges of hotels like the Marriott and the Hyatt. That's where I supplemented my income as a hooker. "Working Girl." No pimp, I took my chances. Like I said, as I was tutored to be as a child. Often I would help myself to a wad of money after a man fell asleep; most were from out of town with lots of cash in those days. Then I fell off the planet again for awhile. I didn't do many drugs at that time- that came later after I really lost every modicom of decency.
Tonight I watched a Lifetime Movie. "Bringing Ashley Home." Ashley could have been me, but I was not so severely into filth and drugs and not the street either, as she was. I never shot up any drugs but I did most everyting else. But that is no claim to fame for me; When I was a child people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always said a wife and mommy with six children. Well, I bore one. Before I fell off the planet. In the 70's abortion clinics were everywhere and almost a given.- Free clinics for this were easily found. The fact that I went there has haunted me all my life and I have never told a soul in my shame. I did not tell even a counselor of 5 years... I am a murderess. It is a great burden to take with me to my grave. Even the kindliest of priests would have a hard time with that bit of news, I'm sure.
We will be at war with Muslims soon; I really do not think that I am crying wolf. I will do my best to help and maybe I will die fighting. May the good Lord forgive me in His benevolent mercy for my sins and allow me some atonement.