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Post # 6 BIG mistake

The guy I was dating hasn't called. I should never have told him about this blog; how can I blame him for running away? I am one sicko piece of work. I really liked him alot. Could maybe have loved him, if I'm still capable-I don't know anymore.  I seem O.K. to people most of the time. Panic attacks sometimes, sometimes I am so angry with my life and my inability to 'rise above it.' My sister prides herself on her strength...she doesn't seem to understand how a person can just suddenly...crack...well, it's never just suddenly, is it? Years of stuff builds up and something has to give. My sanity??? I know that my emotional state is not good, to say the least, but I have never hurt anyone else. Or myself, yet. I wish I could really talk to someone. I clam up. I say what I think they expect to hear. I'm really, really good at that.

I may be becoming dyslexic; I keep going over my writing and finding letters written backwards, like bcak for 'back.' I wonder if the meds can cause this. I can't concentrate. Once I loved to read. But now I have problems with even that. My vision is getting worse. I re-read the same sentence too many times. Get frustrated and give up. Funny that I can still write this, though. Go figure.

Worried about the dog. She started sneezing over and over and then she had trouble getting her breath. She seems alright now. I gave her a few grains of an antihistamine capsule that I opened up. She got it in bacon grease, the easiest way to give her meds. I never buy bacon except for the grease for her. I have a fierce sweet tooth since I gave up the cigs, though. Crave sugar big time, that's how I got fat. I'm working on that now. I felt hunger today for the first time in awhile. It felt good; I was anorexic after my husband killed himself. Shrank down to where a size 4 was way too big on me when I married the next one. Easy to find a husband when you're skinny. I just knew that I had to get married because I couldn't do my job anymore. I didn't know that I was having a nervous breakdown until later, about a year later when my doctor noticed that I was painfully thin and she sent me to counseling. Anyhow, the dog won't eat the bacon itself, though. Weird dog. She played for awhile after a half an hour or so. She played with her toys for a good hour, and she's napping now. Her breathing is good. I'm tired again. Enough. Too much damn work editing my own spelling.

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