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hi, I don't really know what to say about myself, so hi.

I stay in my room, so no one will judge me.

Permalink 12/06/15 06:08, by how are you today, Categories: how_are_you_today

More than two decades I've been alive, and I've only ever been on two dates and that was with the same girl, but then in a way, we faded away from each other.

I tried to stay happy, but that usually means I just stay in my room, and close off the outside world from seeing me, I was born happy, but society turned me into an angry person, being bullied, being seen as weird, with no one accepting me for who I am, it just makes me want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger, I wish society accepted me with all my faults, I would be happier, but I don't think I've ever see that, since people see me with a disability, when I was young, I wasn't that person that really got invited out to parties or anything, which made me think did anyone care about me, it's one of the biggest reasons on why I close myself off to the world by staying in my room, because no one judges you when you stay in your room, because no one knows you're there, I want to go and see what it feels like to be in the outside world, and with being judged for all those years I don't know if anyone will accept me, for who i am, as I hardly have any experience in talking to people, I tried to be seen and make friends, but all I end up with is place friends, I want real friends, the people I can go out for a coffee or beer, or something.

Year after year, my new years resolution was to make friends, but all I end up is to be alone, year after year, which just makes me want to put a gun to my head, and pull the trigger.

I'm not a person that would cut myself, as i am a person that keeps all my hurt internalized, which is not that good in the long run, as I have gone after someone with a knife, I do my best to control it, as with all my hate and anger of being alone builds up, for one day I may not be able to control it and I may hurt someone.

Therapy would be something that's absolutely stupid for me, as I've been there, how can you even talk to someone when they clearly don't understand you, one day I decided to talk about castles, and this idiot said "so castles is like your defence" and I was just thinking really, this is one of the most stupidest thing you could say to me, I just want to talk about castles, and of course they put this stupid spin on it "so castles is like your defence" honestly how stupid, the only therapist I'd actually like to go to, is one I have a connection with, like they fully understand the hell I've been through, as they've been through it themself.

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I've been depressed for more than two decades and I've been trying to make friends that long as well, with my disability I find it hard to socialize with people, so if you write a comment to me, I may be really nervous in trying to comment back to you as I don't really know how to socialize with people.


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