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don't really have a title...

December 17th, 2010

my name is linda.  my name is linda and i have had depression (or felt depressed) ever since i can remember.  which has been a very long time.  i know two things for sure:  a)  this thing wants to take me out.  the one nagging thought always, somewhere in my head is, "quit.  you're done.  your life's over.  you're done, done, done, done.  done."  and b)  i'm always trying to get better, to feel better.  i'm not sure how i can be the world's biggest procrastinator and be so persistent at the same time, but i am.  43 can't be that old.  i don't feel that old, i feel...like i'm in my early 20's.  emotional immaturity is the key i guess.  this is very unusual for me, doing this...actually me doing anything is unusual for me.  that's why i'm committing myself to doing this.  to write everyday and to do something everyday.  maybe even more than one thing (think big).  my biggest fear, among many, is my life is going by, day by day, and i'm just stuck...like a big pause button.  that sentence felt huge.  lately, i've been pretty good at doing things i have to do, like go to an appointment or a friends/family house and usually be clean and presentable.  it's doing the non-requirements that just don't seem to get done.  i've got a lot going on in here... in my head.  lot of room in here with all kinds of plans and big ideas.  a lot of fun, creative, me stuff goes on in here...it just never gets out.  i have the best of plans, intentions, and very firm...plans, for lack of a better word, that i'm going to do this or that tomorrow.  tomorrow always has such promise, the night almost doesn't seem so bad because tomorrow morning holds such promise, such potential.  very, very, very little ends up happening  though.  it doesn't feel like i'm living.  there's another thing i know, depression has kicked my ass all up and down my life like nothing else has.  i don't even know if there's enough emotion or the right words to convey what that statement encompasses.  it's like nothing else i've ever faced.   i'm in recovery as well.  i've been clean(and sober if you will) for many, many years.  not using is so second nature to me,  it's not even something i think about.  like falling off a log, almost effortless...but i do know i'm aware of it because i don't relapse, i don't pick up.  and i know, i know how lucky i am, i do.  there are so many people who struggle with addiction, over and over, and many die.  i know that.  for me, and this is just me, depression is a way more formidable enemy.  a powerful one, and like i said it has kicked..my..ass.  i've been mulling over this little theory for awhile...that maybe if i set goals outloud...something, somewhere will help me to move and then maybe...do.  so in the spirit of cognitive behavioral therapy my goal for tomorrow is to make an attempt at basic hygenic practices (showering, teeth brushing, clean clothes and the like...) and to do the christmas cards.  and if i'm feeling particularly ambitious, i will attempt to do something with the closet of clothes sitting on top of my dresser.  like i said, night time is always good for big ambitions and lofty thoughts.  two other things about me is that i tend to write how i think, which in my mind makes perfect sense to me and when i am depressed me for some reason i write in all lower caps.  it's like proper grammer and punctuation is just too much effort and then if i'm feeling better i capitalize the beginning of sentences and proper names and such.  and no matter how i'm feeling i tend to use run on sentences.


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