Here i am. Sitting at my desk listening to the old classics. Doris Day, Frank Sinatra, Dionne Warwick, Aretha Franklin and Tony Bennett. It's not what most 16 year olds would be doing but then again i don't see myself as every 16 year old.

My favourite song at this moment is Everytime We Say Goodbye by Ella Fitzgerald and i so wish that  i had a voice like hers so i could escape from here and just leave everyone and everything behind. I would begin anew and shine through, push through and let people know i was here.

There's no love song finer, but how stange the change from minor to major, Everytime we say goodbye.

Such true words that for some reason make me break down and cry.

Whenever i listen to these songs all the thoughts and cuts suddenly dissapear. All the sadness leaves me for a while, letting me just sit here and enjoy the beautiful melody and words. Then their over and it all comes rushing back, it's over too quickly.

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. For once i wish that could be true. So alone and it hurts. All i have are these songs and the hope of one day releasing everything i have inside me.

Then i can fly away to that beautiful moon.

Invisible Girl.

I feel so shitty and i don't know whether i should be flattered or feeling guilty for it happening. Another guy likes me and again i dont like him, i don't know whether it's because i'm not ready or because i don't like him. No wait, it's both. Oh god, i don't even know what to say.

My mum keeps looking at me expectantly and now i'm getting it from the rest of my family. They make me feel so sshitty by not having one, they make me feel like i should just go to a bar and lose my virginity to someone. That i should just throw myself into a relationship with someone that i don't want to be with, oh god, i never knew not throwing yourself at a guy would make you feel so shitty.

What do i do? What am i doing with my life? Will i ever find someone that i actually like?

Invisible Girl.

I don't want to go out.

I don't want to live.

I don't want to go out and be like every other teenage girl out there.

I don't want to be happy.

I want to be depressed.

I want to get in a car and drive and leave my family alone.

I want my mum to leave me alone.

I want to be nothing.

Invisible Girl.

What a stupid day. I  mean seriously it's just another day that reminds people that their alone in the world. That nobody wants to care for them. They'll be alone forever. Whoever invented it wanted people to die from loneliness, from the crushing feeling that just proves your hypothesis that your going to die alone. Did you know that an estimated 82 people kill themselves day and it's been suggested that on valentines it goes even higher than that. How lovely right ?

This probably isn't the case for everyone but if you remember back to when you were a teenager or you are a teenager then answer me this. Did you mother make sly comments about if you didn't/don't have a boyfriend then your not normal, or your not like every other superficial, teenage girl out there. Mothers are lovely aren't they, always there when you need them. NOT.

Mothers sometimes SUCK. Unfortunately that's just the way it goes and no one ever prepares you for it. Their not their for you when a jerk used you for his own purposes and then just drops you like a dirty wet rag. They don't care. All they want you to do is go out, party, get a boyfriend and then AND ONLY THEN they say you'll be truly happy.

What a great message right ?

Well newsflash i don't need to go out or party. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy. Just beause i'm depressed doesn't mean that i need a boyfriend to make me undepressed, if anything that will make me mroe depressed because it won't work out.

SO DAMN YOU MUM FOR NOT BEING THERE FOR ME. DAMN YOU.

Love your invisible daughter.

Invisible Girl.

What is it about everyone that yearns for a relationship ? Friends, family even parents pressuring you looking at you like you should be in a relationship ? Is it weird that i don't like anyone ?

I don't normally talk about boys on this blog, truthfully i don't want to mix my depression with boys. The way i see it i need to get myself sorted before that happens. It probably never will, nobody sees me, maybe i really am ugly.

You see, ever since 2 years ago and this childhood friend of mine saw me after like 2 years he got interested in me. So we met up a few times and during those times we kissed. My first real kiss and it turns out it meant nothing to the guy, all he wanted was to get somewhere with me. Ever since then i guess i don't want to be with someone and truthfully i haven't liked anyone since then.

And right at this moment, there's this guy in my school and he likes me. Like really likes me but i just don't see him that way and everyone is pressuring me to go for it, don't you want to try it they say. But no i don't, i don't, the thought of being with him or even kissing him just eugh. I'm sorry i can't help it but that's how i feel.

I have this high image of who i want and i've just come to realise it's out of my reach. I mean if this were a fairytale, and a sad one at that, i'd be the slave girl and  he'd be the high prince or whatever and then i would realise that no one ever wants me, i'm ugly and bam i'll kill myself. Along with all the other things going on in my life.

Take this for instance, i just got back from a party and there were loads of guys there. Not one, not one of them came up and talked to me or wanted to just dance with me. Not one single guy i didn't know. The only stranger who talked to me was a 44 year old man who was waiting for a taxi. So now i know, i'm ugly. To make things worse the guy who likes me at school was there and everyone was pushing him on me saying go dance with her blah blah blah and all i wanted to do tonight was dance with some random guy and forget about everything. Like he could make the pain go away. But no, everyone was basically pressuring me to get with the guy from school. God, being a teenager is horrible.

So i need to get thinner, i need to get prettier somehow. I need to be worthy. I'm crying while writing this because i feel so shit about myself, but i don't care. I need to be someone who is worthy.

I can just see my future now, me living alone, 50 years old and a virgin with 16 dogs. The furthest i've ever gone with a guy is making out, god how sad is that ? If anyone is reading this you must think i'm pathetic.

Why does everyone put so much pressure on us to do this and that with a guy ? Or to loose our virginites ? Why can't it just be the way it used to be ?

Why couldn't i just of been born in a different century ?

All i know is that i'm probably always going to be that girl. The one who talks about relationships like she knows all about them when really she doesn't. The always single lonely girl who's out of place with her friends because they've all had boyfriends and nearly all of them have lost their virginites.

The single girl silently sitting with her dating friends in the big black cab.

Go me.