It feels so strange to be writing again. I had writer's block for so long, or maybe I was just too scared to confront what was in my mind that I forgot how easy it was for me to write whenever I couldn't handle things.
Things got better for a period of time. I am still in love or I belive myself to be. Why can't things ever just be simple? My messed up mind just wants to keep overthinking things.
As I thought about starting to write a new story based on the idea of a TV programme I love to watch called My Mad Fat Diary, I remembered that instead of writing my story disguised as fiction, why don't I just write whenever I can, whenever the moment strikes in my blog. My own diary.
The TV programme is really brilliant in all honesty and I feel personally close to me. The main character has my name. Rae. She deals with depression, a suicide attempt, feeling fat, whether friendships are real, making new ones. Feeling better and then feeling shit again. I am a mess just like Rae.
A song came on a few minutes that caught my mind's attention. I don't really like Rihanna but the lyrics are a perfect parody to my life right now. I never truly listened to the lyrics before but right now it's like my life summed up in a song. The answer I've always wanted, at least some notion that I'm not the only one feeling so numb, so how I used to right now.
I'm going to type the lyrics though if anyone reads this hates Rihanna then I ask you to try to focus on the lyrics. The truth there is in them. How relatable they are to me, how relatable they may be to you.
"I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat, I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days
I'm stronger now, or so I say, but something's missing.
Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me and I just wanna scream.
What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out
What now?
I found the one, he changed my life but was it me that changed and he just happened to come at the right time
I' m supposed to be in love but I'm numb again
Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me
And I just wanna scream
What now? I just can't figure it out
What now ? I guess I'll just wait out
What now? Please tell me
What now?
There's no one to call cause I'm just playing games with them all
The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone
Cause I spent every hour just going through the motions
I can't even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout
What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out
What now? Somebody tell me
What now?"
So taking the words out of the song, this is what I ask myself. What do i do now?