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Learn To Let Go.

It feels so strange to be writing again. I had writer's block for so long, or maybe I was just too scared to confront what was in my mind that I forgot how easy it was for me to write whenever I couldn't handle things.

Things got better for a period of time. I am still in love or I belive myself to be. Why can't things ever just be simple? My messed up mind just wants to keep overthinking things.

As I thought about starting to write a new story based on the idea of a TV programme I love to watch called My Mad Fat Diary, I remembered that instead of writing my story disguised as fiction, why don't I just write whenever I can, whenever the moment strikes in my blog. My own diary.

The TV programme is really brilliant in all honesty and I feel personally close to me. The main character has my name. Rae. She deals with depression, a suicide attempt, feeling fat, whether friendships are real, making new ones. Feeling better and then feeling shit again. I am a mess just like Rae.

A song came on a few minutes that caught my mind's attention. I don't really like Rihanna but the lyrics are a perfect parody to my life right now. I never truly listened to the lyrics before but right now it's like my life summed up in a song. The answer I've always wanted, at least some notion that I'm not the only one feeling so numb, so how I used to right now.

I'm going to type the lyrics though if anyone reads this hates Rihanna then I ask you to try to focus on the lyrics. The truth there is in them. How relatable they are to me, how relatable they may be to you.

"I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat, I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days

I'm stronger now, or so I say, but something's missing.

Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror

Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me and I just wanna scream.

What now? I just can't figure it out

What now? I guess I'll just wait it out

What now?

I found the one, he changed my life but was it me that changed and he just happened to come at the right time

I' m supposed to be in love but I'm numb again

Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror

Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me

And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out

What now ? I guess I'll just wait out

What now? Please tell me

What now?

There's no one to call cause  I'm just playing games with them all

The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone

Cause I spent every hour just going through the motions

I can't even get the emotions to come out

Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout

What now? I just can't figure it out

What now? I guess I'll just wait it out

What now? Somebody tell me

What now?"

So taking the words out of the song, this is what I ask myself. What do i do now?


I Can't See Past 18.

I had convinced myself over the past 4 gut wrenching, life threatening years that I would killed myself before or when  I am 18.

I haven't.

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?

How does everyone know what they want?

I can't even look at my parents, everytime I do I want to cry. I feel like I've dissapointed them, that they look at me as a failure, as someone they don't want to be associated with.

I just don't know anymore.

Nothing is ever enough.

Tell Me.

So much has happened since i last posted.

I got my grades, i got into university but you know the feeling when in your gut something doesn't feel right?

Well, right now university doesn't feel good for me, it doesn't feel like the right time. I'm not saying that I don't ever want to go, i told my parents i wanted to defer for a year and we had a big long day discussion about it. I, of course, bawled my eyes out because it just doesn't feel right to go right now.

I chose univsersities that i didn't really and truly think through, i picked them because everyone wanted an answer as to what i was going to do with my life. Well i still don't but i know that right now it isn't university. Maybe next year it will be.

I just feel as though i need to think this decision through properly, i need to make sure that the univserity i choose is the one that i truly want to go to. Not just for the sake of going.

I know that getting a job will be hard in the meanwhile, i'm not stupid but i don't give up either. I try my hardest and that is what i will do. I just don't understand how people feel as though you should do something even though it doesn't feel right. They say it isn't the end of the world but let me break it to you now, it definately feels like it. 100%.

I need to break it again to my parents that i don't want to go right now. My dad hasn't talked to me properly in a whole week, it's so distorted and messed up right now. It makes me so stressed and so worried that i feel as though i need to be sick. I run to the bathroom or a nearby sink waiting for the upheaval but it never comes. It just sits there like it's waiting for me to crack. It's suffocating.

Not only was results day bad enough but i nearly broke up with the guy i'm completely and irrevocalbly in love with.

I can't even begin to type out what happened between us but i want people to know that he didn't sway my decision to not go to university. If you have been reading my posts for some time now or if you just want to see the proof, then by all means flick back through my posts. You will find my familiar unnerved and completely out of control mental health over the subject of university. So much stress is enough to kill a person and that's what it feels like.

So, here i sit typing down how i feel. The tear stained cheeks of mine from where i've cried over the fact that i don't want to go on holiday, not when i don't know where my head is, not when i don't want to leave the guy i love behind. I feel so lost, so empty, so confused, yet when i'm with him i forget about all of those things. I'm just with him. Only time goes too fast when he's with me, at times i hold onto him and try to remember how he smells, the warmth of his body against mine but when i go to retrieve it from my memory it isn't there. He's gone once again.

I don't want to lose him. I love him so much.

I just want him with me. I want to know that everything is going to be okay.

The End Or The Beginning?

In just half an hour it will be the day that my life changes forever.

It's results day. The day that I get my grades, the day that I have to decide whether I want to go to university or not, whether I will be accepted, whether I want to be accepted, whether I want to take a gap year.

I broke down on Sunday, the stress of it all beating down on me and my mother dropping the time bomb of me having to decide what I want to do with my life by 15th August. Parents are hard on their children. They don't know how much it affects them though.

So here I am typing this, stress, nausea, wonder, nerousness and the need to end my life circulating throughout my body.

What the hell am I going to do?

What do I do if I get in? Will I want to go?

What if I don't?

Do I bring my grades up for next year?

Do I travel?

Do I just straight up decide that university isnt for me, that the course I have chosen isn't something that thrills me, that makes me feel the need that i desperately need to go?

What do I do?

Soon it will be morning. Judgement day will be here.

I've spent today not only being ill but holding onto the boy I love, watching as the clock ticks, wondering where tomorrow will take me. Where it will take us.

What do I do?

What do I decide?

I wish I never grew up.

Love Is A Battlefield.

As the wise Pat Benatar once sang "We are young, heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield."

I'm not going to start writing about how I know about love. The truth of the matter is that I don't, I literally have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, all I know is I'm feeling so strong about this guy that it must be love. When I'm not with him I miss him and even when I'm right next to him I miss him. I  miss his hand on mine, I miss his lips, I just miss having his arms around me.

What I do know however is that when you have an argument with someone you care a lot about you feel as though everything's going to come crumbling down if they don't talk to you about it. If they don't reply to you. Your literally putting  your heart on a cliff edge. On one side it can be pulled to safety by you mending things with your loved one, by seeing where you went wrong and them seeing where they went wrong. Or your heart will fall off the cliff edge and travel down to the bottom where it will smash into a million pieces. It's almost as if your stomach is going to fall out of your butt.

You feel so sick that you don't really know what your saying to them in order to make it better. You feel so sick at the thought that that one argument could end the one thing you care about. It could change your life, it will turn your world upside down.

You take the bullets that come along with loving them. You wear the battle scars that you get during the fighting and pain. You try to make it to the other side of the battlefield, still clutching, grasping onto your loved one hoping that they too pulled through.

You fight for them.

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