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trying to understand

I used to be able to do so many things. Almost anything I put my mind to. It is so weird to look at where I am now. I cant even seem to think clearly. And though I know it up to me to get myself sorted out I feel incompetant at that. I feel like I dont know how to live. I am going to try writing here and see if just by writing things get moving or clearer or better.

I think I need a therapist but I cant afford it. So I come back to 'I have to sort myself out' and I am stuck. Everything is diffcult to do. Well I try to start again with exercise and making myself do stuff but I cant maintain it for more than a couple of days.

I dont know if it helps to write this. Where am I hoping to get to. And in a few days I have to put on my 'I am in charge' mask and work with other people for long days away from home.

I hope I can get myself together for that. It feels like a huge mountain at the moment.

If you are reading this I hope you feel better than I do today!

24 hours later:

Ah a breakthough. Read a piece by Fred Davies,

and my conscioussness shifted and all the crap fell away. Peace, relief and a deep wave of 'of coruse'. I have been workign with this for a number of hours and the energy shift is still strong. Now I want to see how long I can stay conscious of this. And working with some projects I couslnt get near when too identified with the depression.






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