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is there anyone out there listening

I have recently discovered I have both anxiety and depression so i decided to find a chat room where I could vent my feelings because I cant tell any of my friends or family. ever since I was younger I was a little akward with people and it has grown worse over the years. I have had people back stab me, spread rumors of me and worse of all just push me away when I needed them most. I have now stopped trusting people. my family isnt any better. my dad use to abuse me and my parents would always get in fights. my family is just a broken mess. school is just a nightmare in reality. I cant keep my grades up. my teachers expect too much from me and when I do something good I always say to myself you could have done better. I had always been doubting myself and always thinking I could do better but it had really started to show itself lately. last year I discovered I was gay, and when your in such a close minded town it sucks. I like this one guy but i could never tell him. I am always hearing him saying horrible things about gays. it would just ruin our friendship. and the cutting doesnt help at all. people have questioned why am i always wearing sweaters or what our those cuts on your arms. they act like I care but I know all they want is to know more things to spread rumors about me. I wish I could just end it all. I have been so close to suicide on two occasions. I sometimes regret not actually pulling through with it. I try and seem stable and happy when im near people but when im alone at night I cant hide it anymore. for the past few weeks I havent been able to sleep at all. I would wake up every half an hour through nightmares of people finding out about me or my worst fears. I fear someone finding out about my anxiety and depression and telling everyone about who I truly am. I wish I could end all my pain, end my suffering .... and maybe I will.

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