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Well I finally went and did something stupid over the weekend just gone and tried to top myself by taking a mix of Sertraline and Paracetemol but unfortunately it didn't work and just ended up in a trip to A&E.

I let my ex know I was going and he offered to come with me but I didn't want him to know what I had done so went alone.  It was awful and when the psychiatric nurse came along, he told me that there was nothing that they could do as I was not registered with a doctors in the local area!!!!

It's been really tough for me the past few weeks and I have finally managed to stuff up any hope of any kind or relationship with my ex who is now classing me as a nut job, lunatic stalker just because I was showing some interest in his life and wanted  to make sure that he was OK.

Well true to form, all I did was cause him to hate me more than he already does and as of writing this, I am sorting out  all the documentation for the business we had together so that I can sign everything over to him and let him get on with his life.

If he ever reads this which I very much doubt, I just want him to know that despite the way I have acted and the pain and heartache I caused him, I truly did and still do to some extent love him and am grateful that he came into my life.

Am on a major downer again tonight and again have the pills out in front of me trying to work up the nerve again to have another go and ending things, all I do is make other peoples lives a misery and you know what, my ex is right, I am a totally destructive force and even now when I should be leaving well alone all I am doing is making things worse by not stepping away and letting him be.

Just have no reason to go on any more, have done nothing but stuff things up, here's hoping I have enough pills left!


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