It feels so heavy, so much stress and anxiety and pain weighing down on me; I am weak.
I want to scream. I want to scream so that someone realises that I am not okay.
Nothing is working, I don't feel any better and nothing I do seems to make my situation any easier.
Medication hasn't alleviated any sadness or pain, I still feel empty and a whole lot worse. Counselling is pointless, no amount of relaxation techniques can make someone that feels this low, any better.
I want to leave, whether that means leave school, or home or the world - I'm not sure.
A few days ago one of my best friends posted an 'about me' type of post on her personal blog. One of the points stated: 'I am the only girl I know who hasn't been diagnosed with depression, I'm not wasting my year 12 on being sad and depressed'.
Of all the people I have met with depression, none of them chose to have it! It's not a trend, I don't have depression because it's going to make me popular. I am doing everything in my power to fix this and to be that happy person that I thought I used to be.
I want to somehow explain to her that even if by having depression I was going to become the richest person in the world, or the most beautiful - I wouldn't choose to have it.
He was everything to me, I'm only 17 and I don't know what love is, but if I was to take a shot at guessing - I'd say that is how it feels.
I wasn't in love with him, I loved the things he said, his smile, his personality. But in all honesty, he gave me nothing to love. I had no reason to feel that way and although I say that I don't feel anything for him anymore, I know that I do.
He made me happy, and that's something that I didn't want to let go of. He made me feel that something was going to happen between us, and that the happiness I felt because of him, was going to stay. It didn't. And I am no longer happy. Being told I have depression surprised me, but only because I couldn't deal with it - I had no one to tell me it was going to okay, and my only feelings of happiness had lately only come from him. How?
I am scared of not ever feeling okay again. Will it go away or not? I don't want to be diagnosed with depression, but I am. And I need someone to understand that it's not my choice, and I don't choose to feel like this.
I'm not always sad. I laugh and smile and tell jokes, but I figured out that I don't actually feel happy. And it's not an act, if I'm smiling - there's a reason. If I'm laughing at something, it's probably quite funny. But I don't feel whole, I don't feel like everything is right, and I don't feel happy.
I want to get rid of it, I need to feel okay again and to be happy. The counsellor is working on making me 'accept the emotion' and 'let it happen'. But what kind of messed up person wants to feel so low about themselves and cry in public. I'm at school, there is always people surrounding me - I'm not just going to let the emotion take over me and cry my eyes out. I have done this unwillingly many times. And I don't want to anymore.
I hope that someone reads my blog and can relate to my situation, I just don't want to be alone.